Friend, Foe, or F…mate
by Totoromo
Summary: Two of the most mischievous shinigami, Yachiru and Gin, team up to bring a little fun and chaos to the Seireitei by randomly trying to pair up characters as friends, enemies, or love interests. Will they succeed or fail in their challenges?
1. Introduction

**Title: **Friend, Foe, or F…mate

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating: **Teen

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

**Warning: **Pairings are random so there will probably be HET/YAOI/YURI, all T though.

**Description: **Two of the most mischievous shinigami team up to bring a little fun and chaos to the Seireitei by randomly trying to pair up characters as friends, enemies, or love interests. Will they succeed or fail in their challenges? Humor and Romance.

**A/N:** So you might know the game is usually called F*, kill, or marry: but I like it better this way for story telling reasons. Yes these are actual rolls and random. I hope for everyone's sake that I don't have to romantically pair Omeada with someone or I'm going to burn down the place. Maybe I'll allow myself a free mulligan to use during this story for if that ever happens.

**Rules:** I will do the rolls at the end of each chapter so you know what the upcoming chapter will contain. I'm considering doing a little bit of time/space warping so that I can include all of our Espada friends in some rolls too, let me know what you think. I'll change the match ups depending (i.e. Humans vs. Shinigami, Espada vs. Captains, Lieutenants vs. Lieutenants, etc.). By the way, feel free to suggest a category if you think of one!

**Introduction and Explanation**

* * *

"Foxy-face," Yachiru said. "Let's do something fun!"

"Like what, tiny-feet?" Gin asked her, leaning back against the tree to shield the sun from his eyes.

"I was thinking of starting a project!"

"A project sounds like work," Gin pointed out.

"Well, it will be workish but considering how much it will annoy everyone I think it'll be worth it," Yachiru answered.

"Hm, I'm listening," Gin said.

"I don't actually have an idea. I thought you could come up with one."

"You got me all excited there for a minute," Gin said, settling back down. "Wait, I do have an idea. It's a variation of a game I used to play as a kid. It's called friend, foe, or f…" he looked at the girl in front of him, "um, mate."

"So, how do we play?"

"Let's see, we'll pick different groups and then roll to get a random pairings."

Yachiru looked slightly perplexed.

"This time we'll do lieutenants vs. captains. So that's twelve lieutenants and thirteen captains," Gin pulled his soul pager out of his pocket. "Ok, I have a program on here that will help us. Ok, first roll is 3…so that's Kira," he frowned a little. If he was going to have to set Kira up with someone he was going to be very put out. "Second roll is 9."

"Haha! This is fun. How do we pick what we're going to do to them?" Yachiru asked.

"The last roll: 1 for friend, 2 for foe, 3 for mate," Gin was starting to doubt his plan already. Having Kira become friends with the uptight Kaname would almost be worse than trying to make them date. Either way he'd have to have the Squad 9 captain around his office. He sighed and hit enter on his phone. "2!" Ok, now he could get into this. Making them hate each other would be a blast. It came with the added bonus of getting to terrorize Kaname himself if he was mean to Gin's lieutenant.


	2. Kira & Kaname: Foe

**Kira & Kaname: Foe**

A/N: Lots of childish uses of the word penis for comedic purposes (just letting you know)

Also, I've decided to use to the "big reset button". They use it a lot in sitcoms or the older Star Trek episodes. Basically things that happen in one episode/chapter don't really carry over into the other. It would start to get crazy having to break up people before they can get together with someone else or having people who are friends in canon have to be enemies for multiple chapters. So each chapter is a clean slate, more or less self contained.

(ps. This one turned out long! I don't know how long they will be, but I promise at least over 500 words)

* * *

Captain Tosen could write, but it was so difficult to read that any attempts for him to communicate that way had been abandoned by his squad a long time ago. The Shinigami Research and Development Institute had created a device for him that he carried in his pocket at all times. It was a speech to text converter that printed out little sticky notes that he would place on his subordinates' desks or on articles he wanted rewritten, etc. Since Kaname was an early riser, it was often that Shuuhei would open the door to his office and sigh seeing almost every available space covered in notes.

Late at night Yachiru and Gin snuck into the main offices of Squad 9, looking for particularly engaging notes from Kaname in the trash cans and around the Seireitei Communication editing office.

"Get anything?" Gin asked.

"A couple, but we need something angry sounding," Yachiru answered.

Gin spied an article ready for editing on a desk that had a row of three notes stuck to it. "Please stop writing articles that glamorize Captain Zaraki. He's/an ape with little to no intelligence and absolutely no character/ If you must write about him talk about Squad 11 in general," Gin smiled. Perfect.

* * *

The next morning Kira wasn't surprised to find that he had gotten in before his captain. Sometimes Captain Ichimaru didn't come in until noon. If he was too late Kira was supposed to go and wake him, which inevitably wound up with Kira jumping or yelling or something else equally as humiliating when his captain snuck up behind him or threw something at him. He never thought that one of the requirements for being a lieutenant would be "good at dodging frogs" or "ok with hair being set on fire". He _was_ surprised however to find a line of Captain Tosen's trademark sticky notes lining a form placed prominently on his desk.

"It seems to me that you are/ an ape with little to no intelligence and absolutely no character/ This is incorrect and must be fixed at once!"

What? Kira started at it blankly. Captain Tosen thought that he was an ape? What in the…

Gin had timed things precisely because he didn't want Kira to spend too much time looking over the patched together notes. He walked in. Kira looked up at him, his face slightly paler than usual, confusion written in his eyes.

"Are you ok, Kira?" Gin asked, concerned.

"It's just this letter from Captain Tosen," Kira replied.

Gin quickly took it and read it. He then looked over the form behind it. "I don't even see anything wrong with the form," he said.

Kira hadn't even gotten that far. "What is it?"

"A request for transfer for one of our squad members to his," Gin said. "Like I said though, I don't see an issue with it. I also don't know why he thinks he can talk to my lieutenant like this. I'll go talk to him at once!"

"No, Captain," Kira called after him. "It's ok, really!"

Gin was already off, though not to talk to Kaname, which was the last thing he wanted to do. Instead he lounged around a Squad 3 training ground hanging upside down from trees. There was no particular reason aside from the fact that it seemed to seriously put the new recruits training there off their game.

* * *

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, please, I really need that," Kira begged the pink haired girl.

"You're really slow," she pointed out. "Is it because you're old?"

"Old?" Kira questioned. He looked around sadly. He had chased her all the way to Squad 9. This day wasn't turning out very well.

Yachiru was a little disappointed in his reaction. When she had called Yumichika old that morning he had practically exploded.

"Here we are!" she said, reaching the group of shinigami she had passed out sake to about an hour before.

"Hey!" they cheered her.

She jumped to Kira's head, quickly looping a bright orange sash across his eyes. "Yachiru!" he yelled, trying to take it off.

"No, wait," she said. "If you leave it on and can find me, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the day and give you your papers back," she promised.

Kira paused for a moment. "Ok," he agreed.

"You guys have to distract him!" she called back to the tipsy shinigami behind her.

"Whoo!" they yelled, laughing.

She hoped that Gin had gotten Kaname there at the right time because otherwise Kira was going to have to wander around for ages.

Kaname had gotten there after being detained by a long and odd lecture about migrating swallows from the Squad 3 captain. He stopped in his tracks as he watched the scene in front of him unfold.

Kira stumbled forward a little with his hands out. He could do this. Wait? Where did her spiritual pressure go? Damn that little…well, she was just a kid, he couldn't really think anything that bad about her, could he? The raucous laughter of the spectators rose up again and he began thinking that yes, yes it was perfectly acceptable to at least hope something mildly unpleasant happened to her.

He's not…Kaname thought to himself…he's not making fun of me is he? Kira had always seemed like such a hard working and earnest young man, significantly better equipped to run a squad than his bizarre captain. He was probably being sensitive. "Haha, blind as a bat," laughed one of the men.

"I'm sorry," Yachiru said, appearing on Kaname's shoulder. "They got a little tipsy and then Kira started making some jokes, and it got out of hand. I'm not really sure what to do."

Kaname stiffened. They _were_ making fun on him? How very vulgar. Anger began to radiate from him. In his own squad? This man comes into my own squad and mocks me in front of my own men? Yachiru quickly jumped down to Kira and took off the blindfold. "Close enough!" she said. She handed him his papers and left.

Kira sighed. Maybe working for Captain Ichimaru wasn't the worst; he could be on Squad 11. He had gotten to the gate when Kaname approached him.

"You," Kaname breathed angrily.

"Uh…" Kira mumbled.

"How dare you? People like you disgust me. How very petty you are," with that Captain Tosen turned and left.

"Why?" Kira asked no one.

* * *

"I need you to do me a favor," Gin asked Rangiku.

"Oh?"

"I need you to set up a date with Lieutenant Hisagi."

Rangiku frowned. "What if I don't want to?"

"Well, you're not going to actually go on a date with him. He won't be able to go because he's going to be very busy. I do need you to say that you're going to though," Gin explained.

"Then he'll just try to reschedule," Rangiku complained.

"I'm sure you can figure out a way around that," Gin smiled and leaned close. "So? Can I count on you?"

Rangiku looked up at him and sighed. "Fine, just make sure to not give me any details. I don't want to get involved."

* * *

"Shuuhei," Rangiku said, walking into his office the next morning.

"Good morning, Rangiku," Shuuhei greeted her with a warm smile.

"Please help me, Shuuhei," she begged.

"Of course."

"You know how I've been dating that guy from Squad 5 for awhile?" she said.

"Uh, sure," Shuuhei didn't care to keep track of Rangiku's rather involved social life.

"Well I came by to see him today and some total skank greets me at the door!" she said angrily.

"Rangiku! That's terrible!"

"I know, and I made reservations at this nice place to eat tonight and everything. I've been waiting for two weeks to go."

"I'm sorry," Shuuhei said consolingly.

"So I was wondering if you could go with me instead," Rangiku finished.

"You were wondering…" Shuuhei repeated. Then it finally seemed to hit him. "Wait, you want to go on a date with me?"

"Well, I mean, it would be a shame to waste the reservation right? It's not really the type of thing I would do normally," Rangiku said.

"Yes. Yes, I can go," Shuuhei said seriously. "When should I pick you up?"

* * *

"Kira? Can you drop this package off at Squad 9? I'm not sure why it was delivered here, it is address to Captain Tosen," Gin said, giving Kira a wrapped package. Perhaps on some other squads the lieutenants might ask as to why someone else couldn't run halfway across the seireitei as a messenger boy (or at least think it to themselves if they didn't say it out loud). Kira, however, was past analyzing anything his captain did. He just nodded, grabbed the package and left.

"Kira!" Shuuhei greeted him, practically embracing him as he walked in the door.

"What's going on, Shuuhei?" Kira asked to his radiant looking friend.

"Rangiku and I are going out to dinner tonight," Shuuhei said.

"Really?" Kira enthused. Shuuhei had been chasing after Rangiku since before he was a lieutenant.

"Well, technically I'm just a fall back date, but I'm sure I can convince her it was a good idea by the end of the night," Shuuhei said with a wide grin.

Just then, Captain Tosen burst in through the door. He had just spent the last hour cursing the fact that there seemed to be a severe limit on the number of curse words that existed. There were not nearly enough allotted for what he was feeling as he watched workers frantically try to put the machines that printed the Seireitei Communication back together. It was a blur of toner, the smell of burning, and the sound of an angry machine continually jamming paper into tinier and tinier pieces, getting gummed up farther into the machine with each pass.

"Why are you here?" he demanded of Kira.

Kira stumbled on his reply for a moment before pointing to the package he had delivered. Kaname grunted and then ignored him.

"Shuuhei, I hope you weren't planning on leaving anytime soon," Captain Tosen said.

Shuuhei's mouth dropped.

"The printers aren't working?" he asked.

"The printers aren't even in one piece right now," Kaname answered.

Shuuhei looked downcast. "Kira, could you let Rangiku know…"

"Wait," Kira jumped in. "Why does he have to stay? He doesn't know anything about putting together printers, right? There's nothing for him to do here."

Kaname turned towards him angrily. "Both the captain and lieutenant stay until it is assured that the publication will be out on time, regardless of the event," he said.

Kira was wishing he hadn't said anything. He looked over at Shuuhei, who shrugged sadly.

* * *

"Shuuhei can't make it, huh?" Rangiku said. Gin really had taken down all of the printing equipment? That seemed a little overboard.

"Yes, I'm sure he'll apologize to you when he gets a chance," Kira said, turning and leaving.

He has to be one of the only men who wouldn't then immediately suggest that he could fill Shuuhei's place, Rangiku thought to herself. It was several moments later that she started to get angry about it. Does he not think I'm attractive? She thought. He has to like me, maybe he just feels loyal to Shuuhei. Still…

* * *

"You won't believe what Kaname said to me about you this morning," Gin said.

"Something bad?" Kira asked.

"Something I couldn't even believe. In fact, I don't at all. Did you do anything to him?"

"No, I have no idea why he's being this way," Kira said.

"It's just terrible the way he's been treating you," Gin pointed out.

"I know. I haven't done anything and definitely not anything that justifies being called an ape and disgusting and whatever else he's been saying," Kira said with a slight edge to his voice.

"Care for a drink?" Gin suggested. "The work day is over and we might as well let off a little steam."

"I think I will," Kira agreed.

* * *

"I really am very curious as to what you're going to do," Gin said, practically giggling.

"I don't want you to get in trouble for this Gin…captain, I mean…" Kira slurred. Gin loved how on the few occasions he had managed to get Kira drunk (or had drugged him) he would become very casual and familiar. He also had never actually gotten Kira to do anything like this. He counted it as a great success on he and Yachiru's part that they were standing here early in the morning (or late at night, depending on how you sliced it), at the Seireitei Communication office. Kira sat in front of a screen.

"You can use these things?" Gin asked.

"Sure, easssy peassssy," Kira said. "Hurr, password? Whatda wanna bet…" he typed something in and gained access.

"Amazing!" Gin was genuinely impressed. "What was it?"

"Justice…haha…haha…" Kira giggled.

Wow, he is really gone, Gin thought proudly. He patted Kira's head affectionately. "What now?"

"Itsa surprise!"

* * *

Captain Tosen was greeted by an unusual sight on the way to his office. So unusual that he actually tripped and almost fell in shock.

"What are you doing here, Captain Zaraki?" he asked.

"Reading the paper, what does it look like I'm doing?" Kenpachi answered with a smile.

"I wasn't aware you knew how to read," Kaname sneered.

"Oh well, I'm full of surprises," Kenpachi replied. "Not as many as you though."

"What?"

"I came to ask you about this plan you have."

"My plan? The one I have outlined in my article?"

"Yes, 5 steps to a perfect penis," Kenpachi said.

"Excuse me?" Kaname said, looking at the paper that Kenpachi was holding out.

"Heh, guess you can't see it huh? Trust me, it's well worth the read, maybe you should get one of your squad members to do it for you," Kenpachi said leaping onto the roof, leaving a trail of laughter. He was going to have to make sure that his whole squad got a good look at this, they weren't really known for being readers.

"Shuuhei," Kaname said walking into the office.

"Y…y…yes," Shuuhei answered.

"Read my article to me."

"Um…"

"Isn't that a copy of the paper in your hands? Read it to me from there," Kaname ordered.

Shuuhei sighed. "I believe that we should all strive to provide penis for the world. Penis is perfect and cannot be changed," he read. He wondered if he really had to go on. As pissed off as his captain seemed to be, Shuuhei could still feel the beginnings of a deep belly laugh building inside of him. Please Shuuhei, he begged himself. Please just don't laugh. He continued. "Nothing is to be preferred before penis…" pfffff...gggg…. "Hahahaha!" he giggled.

"What are you, a child?" Kaname said, fuming.

"Sorry, Captain," Shuuhei said, trying to get a grip on himself. "If I might say so, you should probably stop the presses before they print the next set."

"What?"

"We've already sold out, and you've a standing order that if we sell out before 9am to run another…"

Captain Tosen was already out the door.

* * *

"_You_ did it?" Yumichika said gleefully.

"Now that's guts I didn't think you had, kid," grinned Ikkaku.

"Shhh," Kira said. "You think I want him to know?" not to mention that people talking loudly hurt his pounding hangover. What the hell had he been thinking last night? He had a vague memory of his captain carrying him through the streets. Did his captain really drop him off at home because he was too drunk? Kira blushed at the idea. I'll have to apologize to him today, assuming he ever gets into the office, he thought.

Shuuhei hadn't said anything; he was just staring at Kira. "I can't believe you went through and auto-changed every mention of the word 'justice' to 'penis'," he said.

"I know, it's pretty…low of me," Kira admitted.

"Are you kidding, it's probably one of the best things you've ever done," Renji said.

"Just don't tell Momo. I don't want to get an earful from her," Kira looked slightly guilty.

"It wasn't just because of me was it?" Shuuhei asked.

"It was a bunch of things, but the situation with you just put it over the top. Then I got drunk and I'm not even sure how I got the idea."

"Brilliant," Yumichika said.

"I like this one," Ikkaku pointed to a part in the article, "The administration of penis should be the firmest pillar of government."

"Or 'the universe bends towards penis'," laughed Renji, reading aloud.

"Kira!" Rangiku said, embracing him from behind.

"Awk!"

She let him go and sat next to him. "Well, I can see why you had to go last night, you had some fun up your sleeves," she said, winking at him suggestively.

"Er…" Kira said.

"You know, I was really hoping you could come by tonight," Rangiku continued.

"W…why would I do that?" Kira laughed nervously.

"Because I want to get to know you better," she said, leaning in close to him.

"Whoops, haven't talk to my captain yet he's probably not in the office or awake so maybe I should wake him up and explain everything to him! I'll probably be working late to make up for all of my slacking so sorry I can't come," he said very quickly before bolting out the door.

Rangiku waited for a beat before going after him.

"Damn, she's just like a panther eyeing her kill," Renji noted.

"Well, he came up with the one angle we didn't try," sighed Ikkaku.

"What's that?" Shuuhei asked.

"Running _away_."

* * *

"Kaname, I found out who did this to your article," Gin said in a low voice.

"Really? Who?" Captain Tosen asked, barely keeping in his rage.

Gin contained his smile, but Yachiru, who was listening outside, had no constraints. It was going to be an exciting day!

* * *

**Next category: Shinigami vs. Humans.**

**Roll for characters is: Renji Abarai vs. Ryuken Ishida**

"How interesting," Gin said. "I really hope we get to pair these two up. I mean, they'd tear each other apart just as soon look at each other, but that's the challenge!"

"You don't get to pick," Yachiru pointed out. "Roll!"

They both watched at the dice slowly rolled…1.

"**Friendship**," Gin sighed. "Oh well, at least it's harder than making them enemies, because that would be way too easy."

"A trip to the world of the living then?" Yachiru asked.

"Guess so."


	3. Renji & Ryuken: Friend

**Renji & Ryuken: Friend**

* * *

"There he is," Gin said, pointing out Ryuken Ishida.

"Hm, he looks even more stuffy that Uryu," Yachiru noted.

"How did recon go?"

"It's Uryu's birthday soon."

"Excellent," Gin smiled.

"How are you going to use that?"

"This is going to be one of those light touches," Gin said. "We just have to lay a little ground work and put people in the right place and things will play out by themselves."

* * *

"You're really not going to have a birthday party?" Yachiru asked.

"What? You have to," Orihime agreed. "With cake, and ice cream, and ice cream cake, and cake flavored ice cream!"

"Uh yeah, I just don't know if," Uryu looked at Ichigo.

"Oh I get it, you think that your dad won't want Ichigo over because he's a soul reaper so you're scared to ask," Yachiru said.

"Look, Uryu, it's not…" Ichigo started.

"It's fine," Uryu stated.

That night he told his dad that he was having a birthday party and mentioned that Ichigo would be there.

"I refuse to have a soul reaper in my home," Ryuken said.

"Good, we'll just be at the park," Uryu said.

Ryuken reconsidered. He'd been trying to patch things up with his son and it seemed like this was one of those things he should be trying to be lenient on.

"Fine, he can come," he said through gritted teeth.

* * *

"What the…?" Ryuken said, whirling around. He could have sworn that he had felt a very intense spiritual pressure for a split second. In his hospital? It was enough to raise the hair on his neck in anger. He looked at the counter he was leaning on. Who left medication out? That was a major breach of protocol, not to mention illegal. He looked over the particular medicine he was holding and then smiled.

* * *

"Ow!" Renji said as the nut bounced off his skull. Another one, aimed with skill by a hidden Yachiru, hit him. "Ichigo! Watch what the hell you're doing!"

"You watch what you're doing!" Ichigo yelled as the hollow that Renji was now ignoring charged at his back. Ichigo easily took it out.

"You're an idiot! A reckless moron who…" Renji cut a hollow in half at this point, "thinks that he can come out here and hot dog his way through every battle, blowing up half the city and not even caring about the innocents who…"

"Hey! I care about innocent people!" Ichigo yelled, interrupting.

They bickered for a couple more minutes before Ichigo left and Renji was left shaking his head as he got back into his gigai.

"Hey, you!" Ryuken yelled.

"Uh, yeah?" Renji answered.

Ryuken explained things to him.

"I don't know why I should trust you. I'm not going to poison my friend just on the word of some stranger," Renji said eventually.

"See this name here?" Ryuken said, pointing to the extremely long name on the side of the bottle. "You're staying at Urahara's shop, right?"

"Why do you know so much about me?" Renji asked a valid question.

"You can ask him what this does and he'll tell you," Ryuken said, ignoring the redhead.

* * *

"Oh man, I remember one day I gave our 6th seat a whole bunch of that and told him that he was a bunny and he…" Kisuke started.

"Kisuke, I just want to know what it does," Renji stopped him.

"Oh, well it makes people suggestible. It's supposed to relax them, and here in the world of the living it's sometimes used for interrogation although it isn't that great. Its effectiveness depends on how much spiritual pressure a person has. For humans it has a small effect, on a shinigami," Kisuke smiled. "Like I was saying, I told him he was a bunny and…"

* * *

"What the hell are you guys doing in here?" Rukia said, bursting in. She had been trying to do her homework for the last hour but the noises had been driving her crazy. She sneezed again. She'd been sick the last couple of days, which upset her because she had wanted to go to Uryu's birthday party.

"In fact, why are you here at all? Shouldn't you be…" Rukia stopped talking when she saw the vacant look in Ichigo's eyes.

"Renji, what did you do to him?"

"I gave him something that's supposed to make him 'highly suggestible' is how Kisuke put it," Renji answered.

"What does that mean?" Rukia asked.

"What kind of a princess are you, Ichigo?"

"A pretty pretty princess," Ichigo replied.

Rukia stared at him with her hand over her mouth.

Renji held out a piece of string. "Kittty! Come here kitty!" he dangled the piece of string. Cat-Ichigo was mesmerized by it, stalking it before attempting to pounce on it.

Rukia was on her sides laughing at this point. "Is he going to remember all of this?" she asked.

"I hope so, either way I'm not going to let him forget it," Renji grinned.

"Ichigo," Rukia addressed him. Once she had his attention she bowed. "Brother, it is good to see you."

Renji caught on quick. "Captain, what do you need," he said.

"Renji, why do you come in front of me dressed so slovenly?" Byakuya-Ichigo said.

"I'm so sorry…" Renji started to say, straightening his outfit before stopping. "Hey. Fine, let's start someone new. How about Kon?"

Kon-Ichigo smiled and turned to Rukia.

"Wait no!" Rukia said.

* * *

"I'm sorry I couldn't make it last night," Ichigo said. "I was sick."

"What happened to your face?" Uryu asked about the foot shape mark that crossed Ichigo's cheek and the obvious black eye.

"Hey, look it's Renji," Ichigo said, not wanting to answer. He hadn't actually tried to hit on Rukia while sick had he?

Just at that moment Ryuken was standing at the corner at Renji was crossing the street towards his friends. Renji turned towards him, gave him a wide smile, and waved. Ryuken stiffened. For a moment he was angry but he knew something he could do that would utterly confuse his son, besides the redhead had held up his end of the bargain. So Ryuken smiled back and raised his hand in a friendly gesture.

Uryu stopped in his tracks, making Orihime to run straight into his back.

"Something wrong?" Ichigo asked.

"Something has to be," Uryu said, suddenly very paranoid.

* * *

Next category: **All Shinigami vs. Captains**

(All shinigami are all lieutenants, captains, notable seat officers, notable Rukon district dwellers, exiles, half-shinigami/half-human, etc.)

First roll is for **Captain Kurotsuchi.**

"I really hope I don't have to make him actually be romantic with anyone," Gin said. "That guy is creepy creepy creepy."

Second is for **Captain Kuchiki.**

"Yay!" Yachiru squealed.

"You do realize that if you roll a three you're going to have to make him like Mayuri don't you?"

"Of course not, he'd kill him."

"Which one would kill who?"

Roll is: 2, **foe.**

"I guess the real challenge to make them hate each other not enough to kill each other but still enough to be entertaining," Gin sighed.

_A/N: I admit that it was with trepidation that I rolled last roll. Too bad though, the epic romance of Mayuri/Byakuya will just never happen (thank goodness)_


	4. Byakuya & Mayuri: Foe

**Byakuya & Mayuri: Foe**

* * *

"I've been thinking that it would be way too easy to make Captain Kuchiki dislike Captain Kurotsuchi so I have a plan to switch it around," Gin said.

"Oh, make Puffhead hate Byakuya?" Yachiru asked.

* * *

"You want how much candy?" Kisuke asked, eyes widening.

"You heard me!" Yachiru replied. "I can't get here very often and I go through a lot."

"Fine by me!" Kisuke starting whistling a song to himself as he danced around the store making a list of how much candy he was going to have to ship back.

Yachiru waited until he was distracted.

"This is going to take a long time to write out," Gin sighed when she got back with the notes that she had grabbed from Kisuke's desk. "I'm going to get hand cramps. It reminds me of when I used to copy from Rangiku's papers at the academy."

"Didn't you graduate in a year?"

"That doesn't mean I liked homework. In fact, I graduated in a year to do the least amount of paperwork possible and have been following that philosophy ever since."

"We won't give him enough time to read it, just do a couple of pages. He's paranoid enough to make up the rest in his head," Yachiru argued.

"Hm, I think you're definitely right," Gin agreed.

* * *

When Captain Kurotsuchi arrived Captain Ichimaru wasn't there yet. Mayuri would have been put out by the fact but it did give him a couple of minutes for snooping. He pulled out a promising looking file: "Proposal for budget for study of…" wait…what was this? He started thumbing through it quickly but put it down as he heard Gin approaching.

"What was it you wanted to meet with me about, Captain Ichimaru?" Mayuri asked crabbily. "I am very busy."

"Of course, I'm sorry. My lieutenant must have thought it was a much more urgent matter than it was, it is something that can wait," Gin looked at the file on his desk with interest. "I wonder what this is?"

"You don't know?"

"Oh no, I try to keep any sort of paperwork off of my desk," Gin glanced at it, opening up the first page. "Oh, it's for Captain Kuchiki, I suppose there's been a delivering mix up. I am meeting him later; perhaps that it why Kira thought to put it on my desk."

* * *

"Lieutenant Kusajishi," Captain Kuchiki said with forced calm. "I am not your captain, please stop attempting to sit on my shoulders or ride on my back."

"Ohhhh, why won't you be my pony? You're so boring sometimes!" Yachiru pouted. "At least let me braid your hair. It's very pretty, and you already have hair clips I can use."

"No," Byakuya answered firmly.

"Captain Kuchiki," Mayuri said, walking up.

Byakuya turned.

"Tell me, do you think that the nocebo response is due to a high level spiritual pressure soul's influence on a soul with lower spiritual pressure or do you think that a placebo personality doesn't exist?" Mayuri asked.

"I'm not exactly sure what you are asking me," Byakuya responded slowly, not wishing to appear unintelligent.

"You ordered funding for such a study, I was curious as to why you would do so."

"You are mistaken. Excuse me," Byakuya said, walking past the man. Science had always been a sore point with him. Science and math. His best guess answer had always been, "don't divide by zero," which seemed like pretty good advice and usually people just shook their head while he made his exit.

"Don't worry, he's just in a bad mood," Yachiru said to Mayuri. "He's been like this ever since his trip to the world of the living."

"I wasn't aware that he had traveled."

* * *

"I can't tell if it's working," Yachiru whined.

"Trust me Mayuri is more territorial than any dog. One or two more things ought to do it."

* * *

"Right there!" Mayuri said grabbing a top piece of paper off of a stack that Byakuya was walking with.

"Captain Kurotsuchi," Byakuya began. He had always had a dislike of the man, but he had clearly now gone insane. Was the man actually trying to steal his monthly squad report?

"…degradation of the gigai not in its native form slowed through process of delta wave recognition…" Captain Kurotsuchi began to read out loud.

"Please hand me that back, I believe the report needs to be handed in full," Byakuya said coldly.

"There you go, Captain Kuchiki," Gin said, coming from behind Mayuri to grab the paper in question to grab the paper.

"Thank you," with that Byakuya was off.

"You…" Mayuri glared at Gin. "You know about this? What's going on?"

"Oh I really have no idea. I do know that he's meeting with Head Captain Yamamoto though."

Mayuri's eyes bulged slightly. If he had been a grandma he would have been clutching at his pearls, and his pearls would have been a metaphor for his "up for review yearly budget".

* * *

"Renji, perhaps you should have taken longer time to clean yourself up in the world in the living before rushing back," Captain Kuchiki said.

"Captain?" Renji questioned.

"There is something odd on your shoulder."

Renji jumped up and spun around, going in a circle like dog chasing its tail. Byakuya sighed. "Hold still," he removed the odd pink goo. "What is it?"

"Who knows? Probably something that Kisuke threw on me before I left," Renji answered.

"Get these done by the time I'm out of my captains' meeting," Byakuya ordered.

"Yes, Captain."

* * *

"There you are," Captain Kurotsuchi said as he approached Captain Kuchiki in the courtyard outside of the main hall in Squad 1. "What is that?" he asked, pointing.

Byakuya looked down and was upset to find that some of the pink goo had somehow gotten onto his haori. "Something from Kisuke Urahara. I'm sure it's just a practical joke of some sort, nothing to be worried about."

"K…Ki…Kisuke Urahara," Mayuri sputtered the name in utter hatred. "You're working with URAHARA! URAHARA? He's a traitor! How could you?"

"I never said I was working with him. You may be aware that my lieutenant is staying with him in the world of the living while he is stationed there though."

"I…see," Captain Kurotsuchi said, and he did see. He saw red. Captain Kuchiki went inside to wait for the rest of the captains while Mayuri tried to not choke on his rage.

"Not that you'd ever think about doing something about it," Gin pointed out, from where he'd been watching. "But I thought I'd point out that as head of the Kuchiki clan, Byakuya has been dosed with poisoned ever since he was an infant so he's fairly immune to all of them, not to mention that he has the protection of his entire clan and his squad, both legally and physically."

Mayuri just glared at him.

"Besides, a real genius like you has nothing worry about against an amateur like him, right?" Gin said with a smile.

"Of course not," Mayuri said with a wave of his hand. Of course not, but maybe he'd better take another look at those next generation gigai he'd put on hold. Maybe they weren't that unstable after all.

* * *

"Hehe, when Mayuri yells I kind of think of a pufferfish. He never puffs up though. Wouldn't that be great?" Yachiru said.

"It would make things more interesting during the boring captains' meetings," agreed Gin.

Category is Lieutenants and Seated Officers vs. Captains (still wonder how to get espadas in. I suppose I could do espadas versus espadas or something)

Lieutenant/Seated Officer is: **Nemu Kurotsuchi**

Captain: **Soifon**

"Give me that dice," Gin said.

"No, you're going to just try to make sure that it lands on 3."

"So?"

They both watch…and it's one. "**Friendship**?" Gin sighs. "Can it be kind of a sexy friendship that involves nakedness?"

"Why? Do you have friendships like that?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"Er, you know, maybe I shouldn't be talking about this with you."


	5. Nemu & Soifon: Friend

**Nemu & Soifon: Friend**

* * *

"I asked you to leave me alone," Nemu stated again, while walking away quickly from Gin.

* * *

"Lieutenant Kusajishi," Captain Soifon was saying in an exasperated tone of voice. "We are attempting to train here."

"Can't you go around me?" she asked innocently.

"Ah!" Nemu make a small noise as she tripped over the child blocking the entrance way, but deftly recovered her balance before hitting the ground.

"Nemu! Are you ok?" Gin asked.

"Can everyone not Squad 2 please leave," Captain Soifon said angrily.

"I am sorry, Captain Ichimaru was being persistent and my path must have wandered," Nemu said with a small bow, preparing to leave.

"Wait," Soifon called. "What does she mean?"

"Er well, I just wanted to talk to her a bit but she kept telling me to leave her alone so I just kept following her," Gin said with a shrug. Soifon frowned.

"You can tell that she has at least a dozen poisons on her, right?" Soifon pointed out to Gin.

"Of course, but knowing her captain I assumed most were deadly or at least serious enough that she wouldn't want to waste it on such a small matter and on a captain; at least not without getting in trouble."

"You are so…" Soifon said lowly, glaring at him. "Come here," she said to Nemu.

Nemu approached.

"I was showing this team how to use debilitating kicks. I will show you one," Soifon said. "Take this stance."

Nemu widened into a fighting stance.

"Your uniform is not fight friendly," Captain Soifon pointed out, something that the male members of her training group were very much enjoying as her already short kimono rode up higher on her thigh.

"I wear what my captain commands," was the answer; which was something that Soifon understood.

"Ok, Gin, why don't you come over here," Soifon called out.

"You know, maybe I'd…" he stopped talking after another icy and stood between the two women.

"Kick like this on the inside of the knee. If you are flexible enough you can also kick…," Soifon directed the lesson in simple form to Nemu and a more complex form to the team in front of her.

"Try it," Soifon ordered Nemu. She elegantly snapped a quick kick into neck just above the shoulder.

Gin fell to the ground. "Ow, but worth it. I saw panties," he said. Soifon stopped pretending that she didn't hate him and kicked him in the ribs. "That is a follow up move for when the injured party has hit the ground," she said, covering her tracks. She kicked him again. She didn't offer an explanation that time.

* * *

"1….2….3…hold…higher…got it," a feminine voice came out from the flat.

"Ok, what the hell are you doing out here?" Nanao asked.

"Why is my lovely Lieutenant being so mean and using such harsh language?" Captain Kyoraku replied.

"Shut up, you better not be peeping!"

"Of course not, I just heard a rumor that Captain Soifon has been giving Lieutenant Kurotsuchi private hand to hand combat tutoring and was curious."

Nanao looked at the other faces around the gateway. "You men are all here because of that?"

"Well," Gin said, "It's either two hot chicks making out or two hot ninja chicks kicking the crap out of each other and either way it sounds pretty good to me."

"GO AWAY!" Nanao yelled. The men looked at least semi-abashed and left. She went up to the door of the home behind her and knocked. Captain Soifon answered the door, slightly sweaty. "Are you offering lessons?" Nanao asked hopefully.

* * *

"That story portrayed me in an unkind light. I am not a panty sneak looking pervert," Gin said.

"What kind of pervert are you then?" Yachiru asked.

"How old are you supposed to be, anyways? Plus, you were lazy in this one."

"Yeah, you had to be extra sexist to take up my slack," Yachiru joked.

Category: Lieutenants and Seated Officers vs. any notable shinigami in Rukon or in the Seireitei.

Lieutenants or Seated Officers: **Kira Izuru**

"Oh hey, I get to play with my lieutenant again!" Gin said happily.

Notable shinigami: **Yumichika Ayasegawa**

"Hey, one of mine!" Yachiru cooed.

Last roll: 3 (Mate)

"Love!" Yachiru said.

"3 is not love it's…close enough," Gin laughed awkwardly.

_A/N: Hey, a frisky one! Remember, T rating so it's all PG-13. Guess they're both going gay for this one (and sorry Gin+Kira and Yumi+Ikka shippers)._


	6. Kira & Yumichika: Mate

**Kira & Yumichika: Mate**

* * *

"You know that I love your hair and that you should really just do whatever you want with it, right?" Gin said to Kira.

"Um…ok, Captain," he responded.

"I mean Ayasegawa actually has feathers in his eyebrows so I'm not sure how he can justify calling you a diseased looking seagull."

"Yumichika called me…" Kira put his head back down and started working again. "I'm sure he was just having a bad day, he calls people things all the time."

* * *

"Are you tired?" Yachiru asked Yumichika.

"Tired? Not really," he answered.

"Kira told me that he thought you looked tired a lot of the time because of all the lines you have around your eyes and mouth."

Yumichika twitched. "I do not!" he did however spend twenty minutes in front of a mirror gently touching at the corners of his eyes to see if they looked better if he pulled them back slightly.

* * *

"Come in guys!" Rangiku welcomed them in to her already fairly crowded quarters, the general party area for most of the ranking officers of the 13 court guard.

It wasn't until halfway through the night that Yumichika said something to Kira, and it wasn't what he wanted to say.

"Move your hair out of your face, Kira. It's driving me crazy."

"No. Maybe you should stop assaulting birds and just go buy some mascara," Kira retorted back with.

"Ooooh," Ikkaku laughed. "That one was good!"

Yumichika reached over and pushed back Kira's hair. "See, now you kind of look like Rangiku; except not beautiful or with big boobs."

"Haha!" Rangiku laughed, proudly patting her beautiful big boobs.

Kira didn't like having his hair touched so he ripped off a feather from Yumichika's face.

"Crap," Ikkaku said, grabbing and stopping Yumichika as he tried to launch himself at Kira. "Look, as much fun as it would be to see two prissy gay guys fight each other I don't want this party to get shut down yet."

"Prissy…" Kira looked confused. "I'm not gay."

"Seriously?" Ikkaku looked confused. "HEY, RENJI, ISN'T KIRA GAY?"

"You didn't have to yell that," Kira said, turning red.

"Yeah, he totally slept with that guy that one time!" Renji said drunkenly.

"I did not!" Kira said indignantly.

"Wait, who are we talking about again?"

"Kira."

"Naw, he only likes women," Renji corrected himself.

"Huh," Ikkaku said looking at Kira.

"You know what, I'm tired anyways," Kira said. "Good night."

* * *

"I think it would have been more fun to watch them fight, baldy should have let them pummel each other just a little," Yachiru said from where they were watching across the way.

"Too bad! I promise that we'll make them fight at least once before it's over, ok?" Gin said.

"Yay!"

* * *

"Is there a problem?" Gin asked his lieutenant.

"No," Kira replied.

"Oh come on. You know when I'm bored I'll just make my own fun, so tell me what's up."

"Do I seem gay to you?"

"Are you not?" Gin asked.

Kira blanched. "No I'm not! I'm just busy so I don't date a lot."

"Gesh, there's nothing wrong with being gay, and if you don't date a lot you could easily double your chances by also dating guys!"

"I doubt it works that way," Kira said. "I just don't know why people _think_ I'm gay is all."

"Well, most people don't know a lot about you other than you were a roommate of Renji's at the academy and he's bisexual so…"

"…he's what?"

"Clueless. You're not gay, you're clueless," Gin said with a finger in the air. "I've solved your problem."

"It's not like they offer classes on this stuff," Kira said miserably.

"Then there's Momo," Gin said.

"She is not gay."

"No, but she is your close friend of opposite sex that you are not attracted to," Gin pointed out.

"So, there's lot of friendships like that."

"In theory. Yet most seem to have feelings on one side. Regardless, it's another point that people think about when thinking about you, right Yumichika?"

"What?" Kira stood up so he could see over his captain and see Yumichika standing in the door.

"See, Yumichika didn't come in at first because he saw me laying on the desk and thought that we might be having sex."

Kira turned as red as a radish. "How can you say that so casually, Captain?"

"Don't worry, Yumichika, I just make myself at home wherever I want. If I want to lay on Kira's desk, that's where I'll be. There's nothing sexual about it."

"Oh whatever, like I'd care either way," Yumichika said. "Oh no, two men having sex, haven't seen that before!"

"Look, Kira is so upset he might pass out," Gin pointed out in wonder.

"Just, stop talking about sex," Kira begged them.

"Maybe that's it then, have you not had sex?" Gin asked.

"I'm not a virgin, obviously," Kira stated, his face burning.

"Hm," Gin said, as if he wasn't positive.

"I've slept with women."

"Maybe they didn't do a good enough job," Yumichika offered.

"Why are you here anyways?" Kira asked.

"My lieutenant wanted me to give this to your captain, but I'm having such a lovely time that maybe I'll stay for awhile, as long as your captain approves."

"Of course," Gin said.

Kira wanted to bang his head against a wall.

* * *

"You're the best, Yumi," Yachiru said as they sat in the shade eating their lunch.

"Yes," Yumichika agreed.

"You're so beautiful, I don't really see how anyone could ever _not_ like you," she continued.

Yumichika smiled happily and took another bite.

"You know, you should test Kira that way. You should kiss him. Since you're probably the best at kissing in the whole world if he doesn't like getting kissed even by you then he must not like men at all," Yachiru said.

"…wah…?" Yumichika knew it was unbecoming to speak with food in his mouth but he had almost choked.

"Well, wouldn't you say that you have to be the best kisser _ever_?"

"You know, this sounds like not a good idea to me," Ikkaku chimed in.

"Do it!" Rangiku said.

"You just want to guys to kiss in front of you," Shuuhei sighed.

"I'll trade you," she said. "If you can get them to kiss in front of me, I'll get two women to kiss in front of you."

"Really?" Renji asked.

Rangiku nodded.

"It's not that I don't think he'll like it, I just don't want to kiss Kira," Yumichika said.

"Too bad bud, you're doing anyways," Ikkaku said with a slap on the back, having changed his opinion.

"Kira!" Shuuhei yelled, waving him over.

Yachiru explained the plan to Kira, who seemed even more resistant than Yumichika, which finally started to upset him.

"What, like someone like you has any right to kiss someone like me anyways," Yumichika said, his eyes fiery. Then he did it, pulled Kira to him from where they were sitting on the grass into a kiss. Rangiku cooed in the background. After several moments Kira pushed himself away, panting, looking flushed. "Well?" Yumichika asked.

"It was…ok," Kira said quietly.

"OK?" Yumichika yelled, leaping onto him, pushing him backward. "YOU LITTLE…!" he was straddling Kira and had his fist raised when he paused for a moment, because he was probably feeling what Gin was clearly seeing on Kira's face: arousal. Their friends quickly intervened and pulled the two men apart to cool their tempers.

"Well, they did fight again," Yachiru said. "You did promise me that. I don't know how they're going to like each other though."

"They like to fight each other, they just figured that out," Gin said.

"They like to? Like Kenny does?"

"Um, no. Possibly no. Actually I really don't want to know, so let's say no," Gin replied.

"I'm betting Yumi is going to Kira's house then," Yachiru said.

"Why is that?"

"Kira said he wasn't a good kisser and Yumichika will want to prove him a liar," the little girl said. "Oh candy!"

"It's melted onto the ground, I'm pretty sure that means it's not ok to eat anymore," Gin pointed out.

"No, it just means more pulling!"

* * *

"I got you a present!" Yachiru said.

"Um…thanks?" Kira said as the girl handed it to him.

"It's a scarf!" she told him. "It's extra long in case you get taller! And it's for your birthday because I don't know when it is which means I forgot it last year."

"It's nice," he said, not trying to make sense of what she just said. "Thank you."

He walked up to his door to see someone he didn't want to see waiting there for him.

"Can we talk later?" he asked Yumichika not looking at him in the eyes.

"No," Yumichika walked forward and grabbed his shirt firmly. "Do you think I like having myself touched by your grubby little hands and thin lips? Do think I wanted to have some of your filthy slobber lingering in my mouth." He pushed Kira back into the wall, hard enough that Kira hit his head on the doorframe, keeping him in place by pressing into him with his body. He grabbed at Kira's balls and squeezed until Kira was wincing and then kissed him, pressing into him and squeezing him until he felt Kira fingers dig pleadingly into his arm. "Now, was that the best kiss you've ever had?" Yumichika asked as he released him.

"Yes…" Kira breathed, trembling.

Yumichika turned and walked away.

"…wait!" Kira called after him. "I…I've always respected you. I like how you can be part of Squad 11 and still be yourself and look and act the way you do. I've always liked your easy confidence and how you can handle yourself in a crowd…and…I've always thought you were beautiful."

Yumichika looked at him for awhile and then walked back up to him. "I haven't done this before, I don't know what I'm doing."

"Oh yeah, you don't know how to make bitchy comments, insult someone, and hurt them? Yeah, you can't do that at all," Kira said, with a slight smile as he opened up his arms to nervously draw Yumichika closer.

"You know, you have made two very witty comments in the last couple of days, I never really noticed that about you before," Yumichika replied, allowing himself to be held. "Hm," he said. "A little excited?" he asked as he got closer. Kira blushed.

"I…well I mean you...were grabbing me…"

"What's that in your hand?" Yumichika asked, picking up the very long piece of black silk.

"Yachiru said it was a scarf."

"Hm," Yumichika smiled. "Let's go inside, I think I have a much better use for it."

Kira had only been slightly red before but he turned crimson at the slightly evil grin that Yumichika gave him.

* * *

The group of friends had been surprised at the new couple but welcomed them. Everyone was glad that several weeks later they still seemed to be happy and cutesy together.

"God you guys are so gross sometimes," Ikkaku complained as Yumichika snuggled in closer to Kira. "I mean, what do you do on dates: do each others hair and paint your nails?"

"Actually," Yachiru said, popping up. "Yumichika usually ties Kira to a chair and whips him or paddles him and there's chains and balls and things involved. I'm not really sure what's going on."

There was a collective dropping of jaws and gasping of breathes as the room focused on the couple in question. This time it definitely was the two of them that turned the color of tomatoes; at least Kira could be assured that he wasn't embarrassed alone.

"Ah man," Renji said. "Looks like I really missed out at the academy," he joked…and everything was fine. People laughed and talked and twenty minutes later it wasn't even an issue.

* * *

"I thought that you might be trying to be mean with that end part," Yachiru said. "But I see now that you were just helping Kira."

"Naw."

"Oh come on. You helped him find out who he was, and that he had friends who would care about him no matter what. That counts for something," Yachiru stated.

"Next!"

All Shinigami vs. Captains.

All Shinigami: **Yoruichi Shihoin**

Captain: **Mayuri Kurotsuchi**

"I am trembling in worry at this one," Gin said.

"I like cat lady though," Yachiru answered.

"Just roll."

**3. Mate**

"Yay! Kittens!" Yachiru cried.

"Oh my god," Gin said.

_A/N: No seriously, what the hell! I'll just go and meditate to calm myself for awhile. Also, I kind of got into the little semi-S&M scene up there a little too much and then was like, whoops: T rating and had to super edit (hehe). Anyways, hope you enjoyed, because next time you get sheer terror. _


	7. Yoruichi & Mayuri: Mate

**Yoruichi & Mayuri: Mate**

* * *

**Special Note: Good-bye OneManga and all other aggregate manga scanlation hosting sites. =(**

_A/N: There's going to have to be a little bit of a history rewrite considering that in canon Yoruichi shows up in the soul society just when Gin is leaving. So we're basically going to assume that she didn't leave or that she came back earlier then she did._

"How do you keep getting in here, pestilent child?" Captain Kurotsuchi asked.

Yachiru ignored him. "Did you know that Shihoin clan has devices that let you fly?"

"Yes," Mayuri said.

"How do they do it?"

He didn't say anything.

"I also wanted to become a cat and wanted you to help me," she said. "You can do that, right?"

Mayuri was still silent.

"You should have all of those in your big computer, because you have everything in there," she pointed out.

"Go away," Mayuri said.

She left.

* * *

After the Captains' Meeting, Gin turned toward Shunsui and asked, "If I showed up on Yoruichi Shihoin's doorstep, do you think she would see me?"

"I'm not sure. Why do you want to see her?" he asked. "I haven't seen her since she suddenly retired, it's not like I've been keeping in touch with her."

"I just wanted to meet her, no particular reason," Gin said.

"Are you really planning on making a trip to her estate or are you just talking about it?" Mayuri said, having overheard the conversation.

"Definitely planning on it," confirmed Gin.

"I would be interested as well," Mayuri admitted. It was ridiculous that the Shihoin clan was able to keep all of their technology a secret. He silently curse Kisuke Urahara, who he had assumed had either not recorded new information, or worse, actually deleted files about some of the clan's devices. Perhaps Yoruichi would be willing to give him some data, or if not, then he could at least steal some.

* * *

"What unusual guests I have today," Yoruichi said, not getting up from lounging on the ground.

"Thank you for seeing us, Lady Shihoin," Gin said with a slight bow of his head.

"What can I do for you?" she asked.

"I have come to profess my undying love and affection for you," Gin said without changing expression.

"Uh-huh," Yoruichi responded noncommittally.

"Hm, that didn't seem to work," Gin replied with a small sigh.

"There seems to be vast gaps of our knowledge of the Shihoin clan's technology. I came because I demand that you divulge all current information over to Squad 12," Mayuri ordered.

Yoruichi ignored him and looked at Yachiru.

"I tagged along because I wanted to see you become a cat," she said with a smile.

"That I can do," Yoruichi said, transforming in front of them, her now loose clothing falling to the ground.

"Yay!" Yachiru said, running forward and happily snuggling her face into the cat's sides.

"Would it be ok to pet you?" Gin asked politely.

"Yes."

Gin pet her on the head, scratching her ears and under her chin. "I love cats," he confessed.

"I can smell at least two more on you," Yoruichi replied.

Mayuri took the time to remove a small sample of cat hair from the pile of clothes.

* * *

"What now?" Yachiru asked several days later.

"Check on him in his lab again. If I know him well enough, I'm sure that he must have stolen something from her. If we catch him we can get her over here. I'm not sure that we have a chance with this, but we at least need to have them together to give it a shot," Gin replied.

* * *

"He's what?" Yoruichi said in disbelief.

"Well, I don't know how well he's doing. I don't know anything about science," Yachiru said. "I just know that he is working on a way to make people that can change into cats. I assumed that you told him how to so I wanted to talk to you about it because I want to become a cat and he always just yells at me when I try to talk to him."

"Why don't we go ahead and visit Captain Kurotsuchi?" Yoruichi said the sweetness in her voice in direct conflict the fire in her eyes.

* * *

"Good afternoon," Gin greeted Mayuri.

"Go away," he said, not looking up from his computer screen.

"I heard that you'd be getting a visit shortly and thought that I might warn you."

"A visit?" Mayuri looked up.

"From Lady Shihoin," Gin said.

Mayuri froze.

"I guess you made an impression on her," Gin said. "I was really hoping to draw her eye, too. Oh well, see you later."

"Wait," Mayuri said, standing. "Perhaps you should stay a little," he said, "It might prevent any sort of misunderstandings from happening."

"Well, I certainly don't have any other plans for the day."

* * *

Yachiru arrived at Squad 12 not too much longer, holding Yoruichi in her arms.

"How come you're a boy cat?" Yachiru asked the black cat in her arms.

"It's complicated," was the answer.

Yachiru took that on faith. She placed Yoruichi down and the two approached Mayuri's personal lab.

"Yoruichi," he greeted her. "How good to see you again. I don't suppose that you are here to volunteer yourself for any experiments?"

"You're not a moron, you know why I'm here," she said, flicking her tail.

"Keeping data holds back scientific discovery and is unconscionable," Mayuri replied with anger.

"I wouldn't prevent the information from being public if there wasn't a reason for it," she said. "How far have you gotten?"

"All the way," he said, his eyes glimmering. He held up a syringe. "It's not the same as being born with it, but it will work."

"How fun this all is," Gin said.

"Captain, should I…" Nemu said, having stood quietly in the shadows the entire time.

"Shut up!" he yelled at her.

Yoruichi sighed and then changed back into her shinigami form, naked, of course. "Look, we need to talk," she said, leaning in close to him.

"Yes, we do," Gin agreed happily.

Yoruichi shot him an acidic look over her shoulder and he held his hands out in a gesture of apology.

"Nothing you can do will convince me of anything, I am very stubborn," Mayuri said.

"Oh?" she said, her voice husky.

"Seduction doesn't work on me."

She laughed. With a quick move she ducked under his arm and was behind him, pining down his right hand to his hip, away from his zanpakuto, and using her other to firmly grip his windpipe.

"Tell your daughter to not make any moves, also, that poison you just stabbed me with won't work on me. I can already tell it's alkaline based and I've been immune to those for years," she whispered into his ear.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"The password to your computer, so I can delete all the data from this experiment," she answered.

"No," he said.

"Gin," Yachiru whispered. "I think if she kills him it doesn't really count."

"No, but I wouldn't really mind it," Gin admitted. "He's pretty creepy."

"Inject yourself with it then," Yoruichi said.

"What?"

"Use it on yourself," she ordered.

Mayuri considered that he would be a lot smaller and agile in cat form, and decided to do it.

"Ok," he agreed. "I will need a free hand though."

"No."

"Nemu come…"

"No."

"I can do it," Gin volunteered. "In fact, I'd love to!"

Mayuri glared at him.

"Just helping you out, old friend," Gin said cheerily. "Just in the shoulder or where?"

"Shoulder is fine," Mayuri said.

It was done. They all waited. Nothing happened.

"Huh," Gin said.

"I want a kitty," Yachiru said.

"URH," Mayuri said, lurching forward so suddenly he almost knocked Yoruichi off her feet. She quickly changed back into her cat form as she saw him begin to change.

"Give me the password," she said in her manly deep baritone.

"No," came a tiny high pitched feminine voice.

"HAHAHHAHHAHAHAA," Gin laughed, practically falling to his knees.

"Father?" Nemu asked.

"He's a girl cat, that makes sense," Yachiru said. "Now I'm going to pet you!"

"Er, no," Gin said, restraining her. "That's not a good idea. I mean, he's a creepy naked old man."

"You pet Yoruichi."

"That is completely different."

"Tell me," Yoruichi repeated.

"I…" Mayuri was feeling odd. There was something affecting him, something he hadn't felt before. He had expected the heightened senses of course and the oddness of being on all fours. He knew that he would have to get used to his tail, and his whiskers, and…he felt dizzy and very…something…something overpowering.

He looked up at Yoruichi, who was staring at him unblinkingly. "What are you doing to me?" he asked weakly.

"Hehehehe," Gin giggled again at Mayuri's ridiculous little girl voice.

Yoruichi moved nearer to Mayuri, touching noses with him for a moment, and then biting him on the neck.

"The password, I want it," she repeated.

"It's a revolving password based off of pi," he said.

"The exact number."

He gave it to her. She instantly changed back, and logged onto the computer, deleting the file and anything having to do with her clan's technology.

"I'm a little confused," Gin said.

"Pheromones," Mayuri said from his spot on the ground. "I didn't anticipate them being so strong."

"Haha! You wanted to MATE with her?" Gin laughed.

"I told you there would be kittens!" Yachiru said.

Gin shuddered. "Ok, enough with that line of thought."

* * *

"Ok, so close enough, right?" Gin asked.

Yachiru shrugged, "I guess."

_A/N: Ahem. Yeah, them actually having sex would destroy the world. At least my world._

Next up: **Humans vs. Espadas**

Human: **Tatsuki**

Espada: **Grimmjow**

"Now this one has potential!" Gin said excitedly.

Roll: 2, **Foe.**

"So, we're gonna have to make them hate each other but not actually fight each other, right?" Yachiru asked.

"Guess so, seems like it would be an uneven fight otherwise."


	8. Tatsuki & Grimmjow: Foe

**Tatsuki & Grimmjow: Foe**

* * *

Grimmjow was pissed off. Why the hell did he have to get this assignment? Ok, fine, so he had technically volunteered, but that was only when Gin had made it seem like he was supposed to come and ATTACK Ichigo, not watch over him like a damn mother hen for some reason. The gigai he had been given was annoying as hell too. He rubbed at his jawline, now bare with no mask. Blond hair too? This whole thing was such crap.

There he was…Grimmjow watched as Ichigo approached the school and began to follow him, stalking him like a cat after its prey.

"Good morning class," their homeroom teacher said. "We have a new student today. Would you like to introduce yourself?"

"Hey," Grimmjow said simply.

"I meant your name and where you are from," she prodded.

"My name is Gr…" Grimmjow paused. "Gregory…uh Jackson. From America."

The first day went without incident, although when Ichigo walked by Grimmjow's desk he had a very strong urge to stab him in the back with his pen.

* * *

The next morning there was a young girl waiting on the steps of the school.

"Hi!" the little girl said. "Can you help me?"

"Sure," Tatsuki replied.

Unlike Grimmjow, Yachiru liked her gigai. Then again, she had kept everything the same. She had however enjoyed playing around with the clothing styles in the land of the living, having settled on wearing as much of them as possible at the same time under and over her school uniform. The effect would have been decidedly odd, but she was so cute that it came off as adorable.

"My brother just started going to this school," Yachiru said, pointing.

"I go here," Tatsuki responded.

"You must know Ichigo Kurosaki then!" Yachiru said.

"I thought you were looking for your brother."

"When my brother came home yesterday all he was talking about was Ichigo. He must like him a whole bunch!"

Like him? Tatsuki thought.

"So, is Ichigo really cute, or what?" Yachiru asked.

"Um…Who is your brother?"

"There he is!" Yachiru pointed at Grimmjow, who was lurking behind some potted plants scowling at Ichigo's back while he chatted with Chad.

"Well, that's Ichigo there with the bright orange hair," Tatsuki said.

"Hm, not usually his type. Oh well, I need to get to school. Thanks!"

* * *

Now it was Tatsuki's turn to stare angrily into the back of someone's head. Who the hell did this guy think he was? She had nothing against gay people, but she definitely had a thing against people that would make Orihime sad. Wouldn't that just be like Ichigo to be a dumbass and overlook Orihime for some douchebag looking guy? I think I should let him know how things stand, she thought to herself. I might not understand why Orihime likes Ichigo so much, she thought to herself, but I'm not going to let her get hurt.

* * *

Ichigo walked down the hallway not really paying attention. He had gotten hardly any sleep the previous night. Having to fight hollows was annoying, and then getting lectured afterwards by Rukia or Renji (or both) was even more annoying. Did it really matter how he did it if everyone was fine at the end?

He absolutely wasn't paying attention when Grimmjow stuck out his leg. Ichigo tripped and face planted hard. Grimmjow ducked into the men's bathroom, snickering to himself.

"God is feels so good to be so petty," he said out loud. It wasn't really "to himself" because there was someone else in the room, peeing, who gave him a side glance of annoyance. When he saw the look of psychotic joy on Grimmjow's face he quickly finished and practically sprinted out the room.

"That bastard didn't even wash his hands," Grimmjow said.

* * *

Tatsuki confronted Grimmjow in the hallway just after the bell rang dismissing school for the day.

"Hey, I don't know why you think Ichigo is gay," she started. She stopped. Ok, maybe she could. Nix that. "Nevermind. The point is; Ichigo is taken, so hands off."

"Look here, woman," Grimmjow said. "I'm not after Ichigo romantically. I just want to kick his ass."

She hated being referred to as "woman".

"Oh I get it. You want to beat him up but are just too cowardly to do it. I understand perfectly now," she said.

"What!" Grimmjow said with a growl.

Ichigo walked up.

"Hey Ichigo, your girlfriend must really be pmsing or something because she is pissing the hell out of me," Grimmjow told him.

"GIRLFRIEND? PMSING?" Tatsuki began to glow with rage.

"Haha, you know, I think I walked in on something…" Ichigo began to slowly back up.

Screw this if he didn't rip out _someone's_ throat in the next minute he was going to go insane, Grimmjow thought.

"There you are!" Yachiru said slamming something into Grimmjow's back. He went limp from the poison. "Time to go home!"

* * *

"That was pretty easy," Yachiru said.

"Yeah, Grimmjow is pretty easy to manipulate when it comes to Ichigo at least," Gin said. "Hopefully we'll get someone harder next time."

"Didn't you complain about Mayuri and Yoruichi being hard? Now you're complaining about this one being easy?"

"I'm hard to please," Gin replied.

Captain vs. Captain this time!

First Captain: **Squad 8, Captain Kyoraku**

Second Captain: **Squad 13, Captain Ukitake**

"Wow, so what if we have to make them enemies? Is that even possible?" Yachiru contemplated.

"Everything is possible," Gin mentioned.

"I think I would feel bad about it though," she sighed.

Roll is: **3. Mate.**

_A/N: HELL YEAH. Ahem. I mean, yay!_


	9. Shunsui & Jushiro: Mate

**Shunsui & Jushiro: Mate**

* * *

"Here comes our spy now," Gin said. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Absolutely! Thanks so much, Gin," Rangiku said.

"Was it hard convincing Nanao to go to the hot springs with you?" Gin asked.

"She didn't want to go at first, but then Shunsui overheard us and told me he'd take me up on it."

"I'm fairly sure I got reservations for a female only hot springs," Gin said with a raised eyebrow.

"Hence his interest," Rangiku laughed.

"What did you learn boob-chan?" Yachiru said, bouncing up and down.

"Ok, so evidentially Shunsui and Jushiro are only friends and have never been more than that," Rangiku answered.

"Hm, so how to change two thousand years of friendship into something more," Gin contemplated.

"Wait there though," Rangiku said. "Just because they've never been more than friends doesn't mean that one of them doesn't _want _to be more than friends."

"Oh, which one?" Yachiru asked.

"Shunsui has had crush on Jushiro since the academy."

"I doubt you could call something that long lasting a crush," Gin said.

"He's always been turned down by Jushiro and hasn't even brought it up ever since Kaien died because he wanted to be careful of his friend's feelings," Rangiku finished.

"I think I can definitely use that," Gin said. "Thanks for you help."

"Are you really trying to get them together?" Rangiku asked curiously.

"Of course."

"Why?"

"They both have long hair!" yelled Yachiru.

"Sure, why not. That's the reason," Gin agreed.

* * *

"There has to be something in here that's actually in his own handwriting," Gin said, rummaging through Captain Ukitake's desk.

"Candy!" Yachiru said. "Wow…lots and lots of candy!" she said, her eyes getting wide as she discovered the mother lode, an entire drawer stocked to the brim with the brightly colored wrappers of various sweets.

"Just don't tell Kenpachi that I let you have those," Gin said as she consumed a handful in one impressive gulp.

"Captain Ichimaru?"

"Um, hello," Gin said, looking at the visibly confused dual 3rd seats. "Kiyone, Sentaro, I don't suppose you know how to forge your captain's handwriting?"

It took a long time to fully explain everything to them. At first they were upset, which he expected. What he hadn't expected was how long they would bicker about who was going to help him after they actually had decided that it was in the best interests of their captain to aid them in their quest. Finally things got worked out when Yachiru simply knocked out Sentaro and had Kiyone write the letter.

Getting a sample of Shunsui's writing was a lot easier.

* * *

"SHUNSUI SHUNSUI SHUNSUI SHUNSUI!" Yachiru said, tearing around the room.

"Oh my god, who gave you sugar?" Shunsui said, trying to sink back into his semi-comatose afternoon hangover nap.

"SHUNSUI!" she cried, jumping onto a shelf that had a half full jug of sake on it.

"Hey now, watch…" Shunsui said, jumping up to stabilize the shelf.

"Zoooooooom!" Yachiru cried, running straight into a large pile of paperwork, which exploded over half of the room.

"Great," Shunsui sighed.

Yachiru continued "zooming" right out of his office.

"Nanao, why did you let her in?" he yelled through the open doorway towards Nanao's desk. She pretended that she didn't hear him.

He bent over and started to organize the pile. He had no intention of doing anything with it, but he could at least make sure it wasn't scattered everywhere. His hand paused as he came across what look like a personal letter.

"From Jushiro?" Shunsui said to himself. He looked at the date. It was from years ago. In fact, Shunsui tried to remember. Yes, this was from just a couple of days before Kaien Shiba was killed. He opened the letter.

_Shunsui,_

_I'm sorry for having always been so stubborn; you know that I have always striven to be strong because of my physical weakness. I would never want to be a burden on you, no matter how often you've always encouraged me to rely on you. I wanted you to find someone else who could be stronger for you. During my last illness I woke up suddenly in the hospital. You were there holding my hand, dead asleep. Knowing you, you probably had been there for days. I didn't have the heart to wake you; I just sat there holding your warm hand. I reached out for your forehead and you called my name in your sleep. It was just one of the countless times you've been there for me, but some reason it struck me deeply. I'm still hesitant, but I know that I have never given you the benefit of the doubt. I know that you would never willingly hurt me, and yet I've still always been so scared, so cold to your warmth. I'm still a coward I guess, since I am writing instead of speaking to you._

_Love,_

_Jushiro_

Shunsui sat down very hard. What? Why hadn't Jushiro ever said…well obviously because Kaien…still…

He still remembered how hard it had been at first after Kaien died. Jushiro wouldn't let anyone, even him, into his home. When he had seen Jushiro shut off like that it had broken his heart. Shunsui sighed and read the letter again.

* * *

"This pile is things that you have to approve," Sentaro said, "and this is…"

"I have it in my hand! I can say what it is!" Kiyone said.

"Oh what, do you want to be the one to apologize to him?" Sentaro yelled.

"Yes I do, even though it's probably your stupid fault!" she yelled back.

"Can I just have it?" Jushiro asked hopefully.

"I'm very sorry, Captain," Kiyone said as she handed him the letter. "We found this in an old file cabinet. I'm not sure why it never made it to you."

After the two had left Jushiro took a better look at the letter. His heart sank a little as he looked at the date notation. He opened it.

_Jushiro,_

_I know that I've probably caused you pain, or at least annoyance, in my constant pursuit of you. I've always thought that in the end we would wind up together, because no matter how much you refuse to believe it, I do really love you. However, I've spent so many nights reaching for you only to find nothing, or worse, someone else. It's tearing me apart to not have you, and so I have to let you go. I will always be your friend and hold you closest to my heart, but I will try to not burden you with my love anymore. I hope that you can find someone that you can accept to love you, and that they will hold you as high as I do. I would rather talk about this with you, but I know that you feel awkward when I talk like this, so I am sending this letter. You don't have to respond, I just wanted you to know that you can be freer around me, and hopefully happier._

_Best regards,_

_Shunsui_

Jushiro looked at the letter in shock. Shunsui, is this really why you've changed? He thought to himself. He had thought that maybe Shunsui was giving him room because of his grief, to not impose on him. To find out that Shunsui had made this sacrifice for him and that he didn't even know it…

* * *

"Good afternoon, Yachiru," Shunsui said. "Why are you in Jushiro's office?"

"I was waiting for him to come but they said he's going to stay home today," she replied.

"He's not sick is he?" Shunsui asked with concern.

"No, I think that he's just taking the day off," Yachiru said.

"I think I'll swing by his house and make sure that he's alright."

When he got to Jushiro's house he didn't walk up to the door. He knew that on such a beautiful day it was much more likely that Jushiro was in his garden or at his pond. He smiled when he saw Jushiro asleep in the shade, leaning against a tree.

Jushiro woke up with his head in Shunsui's lap, with Shunsui running his fingers through his hair. He smiled up at his friend.

"Ditching work today, are we?" Shunsui said.

"Oh, and I suppose you're not really here but are back at your office?" Jushiro responded with a smile.

Shunsui didn't answer. He looked up at the blue sky and light sprinkling of white fluffy clouds. "It's a beautiful day," he said, closing his eyes to better feel the breeze and the warmth of the sun.

He opened them suddenly. "Jushiro," he breathed. "What are you doing?"

Jushiro was sitting up now, facing Shunsui, he hands on his thighs as he leaned forward, their lips almost touching.

"Do you still love me?" Jushiro asked.

"Trying to not love you has been like fighting against the waves," Shunsui replied. He gently reached around Jushiro's back and drew him into a slow and smoldering kiss. He tried to hold down the sound that threatened to come from him, and to hold back the part of him that wanted to pull Jushiro closer to him, so close that they couldn't even breathe without sharing breaths.

"Are you scared you'll break me?" Jushiro asked, slightly panting as they separated.

"I'm scared I'll break the moment," Shunsui replied.

Jushiro came closer, into Shunsui's lap, kissing him again. This time Shunsui really couldn't hold back his moan. He griped Jushiro tightly.

"Please, Jushiro, don't play with me," he said quietly, intensely.

"I guess you're just going to have to carry me into the house to see if I'm serious or not then," Jushiro said.

Shunsui looked quickly at Jushiro and his sparkling eyes. "Why, you are a little tease, aren't you," he said with a smile. "Well, your request is my desire," Shunsui finished, easily standing up, even with Jushiro in his arms.

* * *

"Yay! Go us! It worked," Yachiru congratulated herself.

"Yup, so for our next…" Gin was cut off suddenly.

"Hello," Shunsui said; his arm casually over Gin's shoulder.

"Hello," Gin answered.

"So, did you forge it yourself or get someone else to do it for you?" Shunsui said.

"Ha ha ha! Well um…"

"How long did you know?" Yachiru asked.

"Well, honestly the first time I read the letter that was supposed to be from Jushiro I was too blown away to really think about it. As I reread it a couple of times though, it was obvious that it wasn't really from him."

"Then, why did you go over to him and hold him?" Yachiru asked.

"Just because the letter wasn't from him didn't mean it wasn't the truth. Having read it in broad daylight like that, I realized that most of that was probably how he really felt. I didn't know if he actually would ever consider me as a lover, but I still was willing to give it another shot."

"See, another happy ending," Gin said with a smile.

"Here's the thing. Jushiro is really taken with the letter he supposedly got from me and with how romantic it was for me to do what I did. My point is, if you tell him the truth, I'm going to kill you," Shunsui threatened.

"Oh, scary man!" Yachiru said with a laugh.

Gin wasn't so quick to laugh though. He knew that glint in Shunsui's eyes meant that he was a lot more serious about it than he was letting on.

"What is that?" Yachiru asked, pointing to something on Shunsui's neck.

"Er," Shunsui pulled his kimono up a little to cover it. "Probably a bite mark."

"Jushiro is bitey?" Yachiru asked, confused.

"Yeah, I'm leaving this in your hands, Shunsui," Gin said, leaving the room.

* * *

"Is he gone now?" Gin asked as he came back into the room.

"Well, hishhhh mind ishhh gone at least," Yachiru said, propping up one of Shunsui's eyelids.

"Close enough. You didn't drink any of that, did you?" Gin asked, pointing at the sake next to Yachiru.

"He said ithhh was sweethhh, hic," she answered.

Gin sighed deeply. "Ok, the next one is **all Shinigami vs. all Shinigami.** I realize when going over this list that some of these people I don't even know that well. Like Yasochika, who is that?"

"He's the blond guy that looks kind of like Guile from Street Fighter. He's in Squad 4 and is always complaining."

"Huh. Ok, the roll please!"

First Shinigimi: **Ikkaku Madarame**

Second Shinigami: **Captain Retsu Unohana**

"I love baldy, but I think if he's going to fight against braidy-lady he's going to die," Yachiru said sadly.

Roll: 3, **Mate.**

"Wow, we've been getting a lot of those recently," Gin said.

_A/N: I love Squad 11, although I've never thought of Ikkaku with Unohana (ever). I'm looking forward to making it work though!_


	10. Retsu & Ikkaku: Mate

**Retsu & Ikkaku: Mate**

* * *

_A/N: At the end of my last chapter I said that I had never considered the two of them together but it turns out that in one of my other fics I jokingly had Ikkaku think back to how his friends won't let him live down the fact that he hit on Captain Unohana once while hopped up on painkillers. Also, I keep wanted to just call her Unohana even though her first name is Retsu. I think it's because it's probably mentioned maybe once in the manga._

"Braidy?" Yachiru asked.

"Yes?" Captain Unohana answered.

"I wanted to ask you a question about boys," she continued.

Retsu raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. After all, it wasn't like Yachiru had a lot of females in her life that she could ask advice from. She imagined that if the subject was brought up to Kenpachi at all he would just kill anyone that was mentioned and call it a day.

"Do you like someone?" Retsu asked gently.

"No. Not yet. I was just thinking because Ise said that it was hard to date because men were scared of by powerful and smart women. Then Rangiku laughed and said it wasn't that hard if you knew what you were doing. Then Ise called Rangiku a booby bimbo and Rangiku called Ise an uptight bi…"

"I think I get the idea," Retse said. "You really don't have to worry about it for awhile though."

"What about you? I never see you with anyone."

"Well, I like really strong men; strong physically, high spiritual pressure, and strong personality. There's not a lot of them around," Retsu answered.

"What about some of the other captains?" Yachiru asked. "You could date Kenny!"

"Well…" Retsu didn't want to offend the girl, especially considering how she looked up to Kenpachi like a father. "I like keeping on my toes in a relationship, but it wouldn't be good for my squad for me to be challenged to a battle to the death every week," she said simply.

"Why?" Yachiru really didn't understand.

* * *

"Great, I can work with that," Gin said, getting the information from Yachiru.

"Next stop, Yamamoto!" Yachiru said.

"How are we going to pull that off?" Gin sat contemplating.

"It'll be easy. First of all, your idea is a good one. Second of all, I have blackmail material on Chojiro so he'll be sure to help us."

"What in the world can you have on Chojiro?" Gin was honestly very curious. All the man seemed to do was stand behind Yamamoto, aside from when he was serving his captain tea.

* * *

"You want us to what?" Kenpachi asked, not believing his ears.

"I said I want the two of you to switch lieutenants. Everyone knows that your two squads are at odds and I am hoping that this will promote peace between them," Head Captain Yamamoto said.

"If that is the case, then why isn't Yachiru here?" pointed out Retsu.

"We can't find her," Head Captain Yamamoto said. "Besides, she more or less gets along with everyone. It will be better for you to work with 3rd seat Ikkaku Madarame since he works with the men of his squad more regularly than Lieutenant Kusajishi does."

Ikkaku was taking deep breaths. If he freaked out he was sure his captain would freak out, and no one wanted that. Well…in the back of his mind there was a curiosity to see exactly what would happen if the three captains in the room started going at it, but he knew that before it got anywhere fun Head Captain Yamamoto would probably just turn them all to ashes so it didn't really seem worth it.

Isane was looking panicked herself. While Ikkaku would just be annoyed having to stay around Squad 4 for awhile, she would be jumping out of her skin while walking around Squad 11 thinking someone was going to challenge her to battle any second.

"I've already ordered it. It will happen. During the exchange, Madarame and Kotetsu will be living and working at their temporarily assigned squads. This means they will also switch living quarters as well," Yamamoto continued.

Ikkaku looked over at Isane, who was looking at him with horror. "Um, Head Captain Yamamoto, I can easily sleep in the Squad 4 barracks or something. It seems a little invasive for me to sleep in Lieutenant Kotetsu's quarters. Besides, I live with Yumichika, and I think she might be uncomfortable with that. She could stay in the previous 4th seat's quarters," he suggested. Isane thanked him in her mind, thinking it was good that he wasn't as stupid as he looked. Then she felt bad for thinking of something insulting towards him since he had just helped her. At least now she could maybe just hide in her quarters for the whole time she was assigned to Squad 11.

* * *

"He's what?" Yumichika cried out.

"What the hell! This is where you were, Yachiru?" Ikkaku said angrily. "If you had showed up then I wouldn't be in this mess!"

Yachiru shrugged and continued to draw on the table. Not on a piece of paper on the table, just on the table. Ikkaku looked at Yumichika, who didn't even seem to notice or care.

"Nooooo! You can't leave me! You know I don't like living alone!" Yumichika wailed, clinging to Ikkaku.

"Oh my god, you're drunk!" Ikkaku said. "What the hell, you never drink, and never in the afternoon by yourself."

"Yachiru brought me some," Yumichika answered.

"Is there any more?" Ikkaku asked hopefully.

* * *

The next day the two groups met. Ikkaku walked over to his…he shuddered…new captain, while Isane looked just as upset (for different reasons) to be walking _towards_ (as in not _away_) Kenpachi.

"Don't get in the way and maybe you won't die," Kenpachi growled at Isane, who gulped and nodded. Retsu looked over at him calmly.

"Kenpachi, you are very protective of your lieutenant," she said. "I am as well."

"Yeah?" Kenpachi said, not getting the point.

"There are many ways to die, make sure that yours is worth it," she said simply, walking away. "Ikkaku?"

"Uh, yeah," he responded, following after her.

Yachiru really wanted to point out to Kenny that Braidy had just threatened him, but for her plan to work she needed them to not be battling quite yet.

Kenpachi was looking blankly at Isane, wondering exactly what it was other captains did with their subordinates. He never gave orders to his. Things just got done, or not. He shrugged and wandered back towards his office. Isane hesitated.

"Don't worry, just stick with me!" Yachiru offered.

Isane wanted to hug the little girl in relief.

* * *

Retsu didn't have a lot of time to break Ikkaku in and she wanted to know if he was going to be a liability to have around or if she should just lock him in a room someplace. No matter what Head Captain Yamamoto said, if Ikkaku was going to be hindering people getting healed then he wasn't going to be there, as plain as that. She knew next to nothing about him aside from the group of people that he hung out with.

"Tea?" she offered him as they sat down in her office.

He looked at it and held in a sigh. Tea was something he only drank when Yumichika forced him to drink it, which was usually while sick or when Yumichika somehow managed to convince him that it would help with his hangover. He cautiously drank it, not wanting to burn himself. It was a little bitter, but not that bad. Besides, drinking meant not talking, and he really had nothing to talk about with the woman sitting across from him.

"Why did you join Squad 11?" she asked.

"I follow Kenpachi," he responded succinctly.

"Have some more tea," she said, filling up his cup again.

Not long after that she was getting a lot more information. His loyalty to Kenpachi and why he had it, his background growing up, his friendship with Yumichika (who she had been surprised to learn he was not dating), his odd and very strict code of ethics. She had also learned that he was a lot higher skilled in fighting than he allowed people to believe, wanting to remain within Kenpachi's squad no matter what.

"Then Renji…you know Renji, right?" Ikkaku said, staring at the blurry image in front of him. Who was he talking to again? Where was he?

"Yes, I know Renji," Retsu encouraged.

"I…uh…Captain Unohana, why are you here?" Ikkaku said groggily.

Well, it looks like it's wearing off, Retsu thought to herself. She walked over to Ikkaku and gave him a shot in the arm. He went to sleep.

* * *

"Wow, she's even scarier than I thought she was," Gin said that evening, making a note to himself to get his hands on that tea.

"She didn't hurt him, did she?" Yachiru asked, concerned.

"No, it looks like it was just an amnesiac. He woke up later and wandered around Squad 4 wondering how the hell he had gotten there."

* * *

Surprisingly, Retsu found that Ikkaku wasn't all that bad of a lieutenant. He at least was respectful of her orders and didn't destroy too many things. She found that he only got drunk when bored, at home, or with friends, so she made sure that he was constantly busy.

Also, it was handy that blood and gore didn't bother him at all. A severely wounded patient had been placed on the operating table rather roughly, opening the very large wound in the man's abdomen even more. His intestines spilled out and blood shot everywhere. Her surgical assistant, normally fairly reliable but still fairly new, paled and looked faint. Ikkaku pushed her aside, calmly asked Retsu what he could do, and helped pile all of the man's innards back where they belonged. He was also remarkably good at setting bones and doing basic first aid, having had to do it on the field probably more than any of her staff. She had a stroke of genius when she put him in charge of triage. He was very good at sorting the truly injured, taking care of what he could, and picking out those overly concerned with their wounds. Anyone bemoaning their broken arm loudly was likely to get a string of biting insults from Ikkaku, ranging from insulting the person's manhood (or womanhood), to what species of animals that they were descended from, and finally to exactly what the hell he was going to do to them if they didn't shut their mouth while people _actually_ dying got fixed up first. Retsu didn't say anything herself, but she had on more than one occasion certainly thought all of those things towards certain patients. Plus, they were able to develop a good cop/bad cop routine. By the time Ikkaku was done with her patients, they were more than willing to accept her treatment, no matter how painful or horrible they might have considered it. When she found out that people weren't following her orders (to do physical therapy, or stay away from certain foods, for instance), she would threaten to send them to Ikkaku and have him deal with them. She wasn't sure how long they were supposed to be paired up this way, but she found that it wasn't as bad as she had feared.

It was two weeks into the switch that Yumichika showed up, with what looked to be about half of Squad 11 (it wasn't, it was just that one Squad 11 member filled enough space and made enough noise as four of any other squad).

"Ikkaku!" Yumichika said in despair.

"Yumichika…" Ikkaku knew exactly what was wrong. Yumichika was barely injured, but it was a wide and deep gash going all the way down the side of his face. Normally he teased Yumichika when he was worried about getting scarred, but he knew that something this bad wasn't something he could joke about with his friend. They all had their quirks; he wasn't going to pick on Yumichika just because his was that he was so damn vain.

"Yumichika," Ikkaku said again, "Don't worry, I can get this fixed."

"What?" Yumichika said, hope flickering in his eyes.

"Captain Unohana can do it so that there's no scar left. It takes more time and energy, and usually people don't care so she doesn't mention it, but I'll make sure that she does it for you, ok?"

"Ikkaku!" Yumichika said with tears in his eyes.

"Oh my god, if you cry I'm taking it back," Ikkaku said horrified.

* * *

Ikkaku walked into their main treatment room, which had been opened up for the sudden influx of injured Squad 11 members.

"What the hell are you whining about?" he asked to the man next to him, who was pushing away a Squad 4 member who was trying to give him a shot. "I mean, you just got you arm almost slashed off. Why would a shot bother you?"

"Well, I'm not just going to _let_ him do it. If he wants to fight me over it though," the man said with a gleam in his eye.

Ikkaku sighed, looking around the room. Damn it was loud, he thought. He thought to Yumichika, being operated on in the next room and wondered how much concentration Captain Unohana needed to do it.

"HADO 33, SOKATSUI!" he roared. Everyone hit the deck. There was dead silence. Nothing happened. "Hahahahahahah!" Ikkaku laughed insanely, "You guys are so damn stupid sometimes!" His squadmates all sighed and felt sheepish. Of course he didn't know any kido. "Seriously though, shut up or I'm going to kill all of you," he said completely sincerely.

* * *

Captain Unohana breathed a sigh of relief as she felt the other room go silent. The actual noise hadn't really bothered her, but she was sensitive to spiritual pressure, and all of the aggression of the Squad 11 members, tied with the fear and uncertainty of her own squad members, was giving her a headache. She had felt it all clashing in her body and then felt Ikkaku's spiritual pressure rise briefly and then there was nothing, just subdued daily noise. She smiled to herself and wondered what he had done.

* * *

"See, you look fine Feathers!" Yachiru said to Yumichika, who was checking his face out in a mirror.

"Told you," Ikkaku said. "Now, next time, try to not get hurt. I know that not having me around to protect you and babysit you is probably really scary but one day I'll come back and…"

"Jerk," Yumichika said. Then he got a cruel smile. "At least I was out having fun instead of staying inside getting fat. Is your taming going well? Are you all domesticated now?"

If Yumichika hadn't just had his face patched up, Ikkaku would've broken his nose.

* * *

Ikkaku had been standing on this hill challenging anyone who walked by, near, or even far away from him, but he couldn't get any takers. He tried insults, he tried compliments, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get a single Squad 4 member to even stop and talk with him, much less draw a zanpakuto.

If I don't fight soon I'm going to go crazy, Ikkaku thought to himself. I'm probably getting rusty, though I'm sure as hell not broken in or whatever the hell Yumichika was saying.

Retsu appeared in front of him, having gotten reports about his behavior from several other squad members.

Damn it, Ikkaku thought to himself. Out loud he greeted her. She drew her zanpakuto. He stared at her in shock. She smiled at him. He drew his zanpakuto as well.

Well this is more like it, he thought.

* * *

"What happened to you?" Yachiru said, as she and Yumichika visited with him during lunch.

"I uh, fought against Captain Unohana last night," Ikkaku said sheepishly.

"Gesh, what does she look like?" Yumichika asked.

Just then she walked by, looking perfectly fine.

"Actually, I couldn't even touch her," Ikkaku admitted.

"Well, you don't look that bad I suppose," Yumichika conceded.

"Yeah, that's one good thing about fighting against her. She can heal you up afterward."

"This is you _after_ she's healed you?" Yumichika said, shocked.

"Heh, yeah," Ikkaku said with a goofy smile.

Yumichika looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

* * *

"Congratulations," Retsu said. "You survived!"

"What? I'm going back?" Ikkaku said, grinning. Oh thank god, he thought. It wasn't nearly as bad as he thought, but he still was getting itchy fingers just sitting around doing nothing. Oddly enough his couple of weeks of "doing nothing" at Squad 4 was actually more work than he had done all year in Squad 11, but it's all a matter of perspective.

Retsu had made a decision awhile back, but she was never the type to mix up work with her personal business. Now that Ikkaku was leaving though, it was time to take action.

"Would you like some tea?" she asked.

Ikkaku had gotten used to tea during his sojourn at Squad 4. He could even kind of enjoy it, although if someone really wanted to relax he didn't know why you wouldn't just get good and soused.

"This one is really sweet," he said. In fact it was so sweet that it almost burned his tongue.

Retsu took off her haori, allowing it fall off like responsibly off her shoulders. She sighed deeply and began to undue her long braids, sweeping her long hair behind her.

Wow, Ikkaku though, she has really nice…he stopped that thought because it seemed wrong. He tried to not stare. It was ok to stare at Rangiku's giant balloon breasts because she was inviting, no, practically forcing you to do it, but Captain Unohana was just relaxing a little. Just because she was being a little more open didn't mean that she wanted to be oogled. Shit, I _am_ oogling her, aren't I? Ikkaku thought. Why the hell…he looked at his tea.

"Damn it, did you poison me again?" he asked.

"Again?" she asked. "I wasn't aware that you knew of the first time."

"I sure don't remember what you did, but I know my body pretty well, I could feel that something was off when I woke up."

"That's very remarkable for someone not trained to sense such things," she said looking at him intensely. "More remarkable is that you didn't even mention it and that you still trusted me."

Wait, Ikkaku thought, looking at his empty tea cup. Why would she want to…

"I'm planning on seducing you," she answered his questioning gaze. She got up and walked to where he was sitting.

"I uh, don't really think you needed whatever it is in this tea for that," Ikkaku confessed, blushing. Wait, did I just blush? Ikkaku got mad at himself and hoped to god it was the damn tea or he was going to have to commit seppuku later.

Retsu traced a finger alongside Ikkaku's head, behind his ear and down his neck. "Well, I am a woman who prefers certainties," she said, kissing the back of his neck.

That feels way better than it really should, Ikkaku was thinking to himself, restraining a moan. He still wasn't 100% sure of what to do. On the one hand, if he was turned on he normally would just go for it. One the other, he hated being manipulated and he was very stubborn.

"You could have just asked," he said, turning his head to face her. Her eyes glow when you are this close he thought (and tried to stop thinking).

"I like playing with my men," Retsu said, kissing his lips gently and then moving away.

Playing, huh? Well that tears it, Ikkaku thought.

He stood up quickly, forcefully pressing Captain Unohana into the wall. "Well sorry, I don't like being toyed with," he said, fiercely kissing her. "I'm no one's pet," he said growled into her ear, kissing her neck passionately enough that it was definitely going to leave a mark, his hand already moving towards her ass to pull her closer to him.

This was a very good idea, Retsu thought to herself as she felt his heat begin to burn her.

* * *

"I'm surprised you're not asleep. Don't you usually nap around now?" Yachiru asked.

"Uh, yeah," Ikkaku said. Things had finally gotten to normal again now that he was back with his squad. Well, not completely. "Actually, I was off to do that right now," he said, leaving.

"If Ikkaku is going to take a nap, why is he walking towards Squad 4?" Yachiru asked.

"What?" Kenpachi said, looking over from where he was staring at the ceiling.

"I can tell you if you really want to know," Yumichika said gleefully.

"What is it, Feathers?" Yachiru asked.

"Ikkaku and Captain Unohana are sleeping together!" Yumichika announced.

"Shit!" Kenpachi said shocked. Then he mulled it over. "No, that makes a lot more sense now. I mean, he couldn't have possibly survived that hellhole otherwise."

"What?" Yumichika questioned.

"He must have seduced Unohana right away and gotten her to let him off the hook as far as having to do Squad 4 stuff. It makes the most sense," Kenpachi explained.

"Uh, yeah," Yumichika seemingly agreed while rolling his eyes.

* * *

"Whoo-hoo, now I have _two_ new teas!" Gin said excitedly.

"What are you going to do with them?" Yachiru asked.

"I don't know, but it's always good to be prepared!"

Next roll: Lieutenants vs. Espada/Traitors (that would be the Espada plus the three previous captains)

Lieutenant: Rangiku Matsumoto

Espada/Traitor: Sosuke Aizen

Friend, Foe or Mate: 3, Mate.

"Gin…Gin? Are you ok Gin?" Yachiru looked at the form collapsed at her feet and prodded him with her foot.

_A/N: Wow. Uh. Yeah._


	11. Rangiku & Aizen: Mate

**Rangiku & Aizen: Mate**

* * *

_A/N: Yeah I know, it should be Rangiku & Sosuke, but no one ever calls him that. Probably because then there would be too many evil Sosukes running around. Seriously, the whole time watching Ponyo every time someone yelled "Sosuke!" at the kid I was like "watch that one closely, he already has a crazy super powered not too bright side-kick chick to do his bidding, that's step one to becoming an evil super villain"._

_Also, there's pretty much a hint of all sorts of pairings in this, if you squint =)_

* * *

"I looked over the roll sheets. Did you know that I'm just one away from Aizen on the list?" Gin sighed.

"Don't blame me, blame random. org; that's where we do all of our rolls from," Yachiru replied with a shrug. "Why do you care anyways?"

"No reason," Gin said.

"Well then, let's start making our plans," Yachiru suggested.

"Actually, I was thinking maybe we could just not do this one."

"Why?" Yachiru asked.

"It's just that they're not…right for each other," Gin said.

"That never bothered you before."

"Who isn't right for each other?" Aizen asked, casually walking up. Gin paled.

"Oh, well you know us! We're just entertaining each other," Gin answered.

"You and Rangiku," Yachiru added.

"Rangiku?" Aizen said curiously. "Anyways, I was hoping to have a word with you, Gin."

"Of course," Gin replied, following him.

"She's not really my type of course," Aizen said as they walked.

"That's what I was telling Yachiru," Gin said with his trademark fake smile that he hoped hid his relief.

"However," Aizen said.

However? Gin held his breath.

"However, one does have to admit that she is a beauty with a pretty face and a Venus like body. She seems to be very personable as well," Aizen continued.

"Yes," replied Gin cheerfully, belying the slight worry he was feeling.

* * *

"Hello, Gin," Rangiku greeted him warmly.

"Hi, Rangiku," Gin replied, falling onto the office futon with ease.

"You better not stay too long or Captain Hitsugaya will start getting pissy," she told him.

"Oh, I won't be here for long," Gin paused. "You know, I was talking with Captain Aizen and he was saying some things that got me a little worried. I think that you should avoid him for a little while."

"What kind of things?"

"Oh, I don't know, he was just talking about your body and your looks," Gin answered.

"Oh, really?" Rangiku said, very interested now.

Gin looked over at her in horror. "What?"

"Oh come on, he's a captain. Despite being a little mousey with his glasses and all, he's still very handsome, and very nice."

"That's it!" Gin said.

"What is?"

"He's too nice! You don't like nice guys," Gin had to restrain himself from laughing at the idea of him describing Aizen as nice. "You like bad boys, those who are kind of aloof and cold and hard to read."

"Well, it's nice to take a break from that now and then, right?" Rangiku said with a shrug. "A girl likes to be treated nice every once in awhile."

That was when Aizen walked in. Of course, Gin said. If there was one thing that Aizen excelled in, besides having amazing foresight and the patience for long term planning, it was good timing (or bad timing, depending on who you were).

"Hello, Captain," Rangiku cooed at him.

"Lieutenant Matsumoto, it's good to see you," Aizen replied. "You're always so warm and sunny compared to your boss. I have to wonder how you do it."

"Why thank you. Please, call me Rangiku," she replied, practically purring.

"I'm just going to go and talk to Captain Hitsugaya for a bit," Gin said, backing away and quickly entering the diminutive captain's office.

"Don't you knock, Ichimaru?" Toshiro asked, annoyed.

"Oh whatever, you felt me out there," Gin said. "What are your feelings towards Lieutenant Hinamori?"

"Excuse me?" Toshiro was no longer annoyed, now he was angry.

"Before you tell me it's none of my business, I assure you that I have a good reason for asking," Gin said quickly.

"We are childhood friends," Toshiro said simply.

"I was only asking because it seems fairly obvious to me that she is more than a little taken with Captain Aizen, and if you are her friend you might want to stop your lieutenant from throwing herself at him."

"What?" Toshiro blinked.

"She's out there right now flirting with him like crazy. I wouldn't normally think that he was the type that would go for that, but she definitely seems to be getting somewhere and you know how she is with men."

Toshiro stood up quickly and opened his door. "Rangiku! I have a meeting in five minutes and need to talk with you before I leave," he said. "Oh, good morning, Captain Aizen," he said coldly.

Gin and Aizen walked from Squad 10 together. "Rangiku seemed to be in a good mood," Aizen mentioned.

"Oh yes, I had just mentioned that you had commented on her various attributes in glowing terms."

"Why thank you," Aizen said with a smile.

"You're welcome," Gin smiled back.

* * *

Gin walked into his office a little perturbed. Just because he had headed things off temporarily didn't mean that it would stay that way. He looked at his lieutenant.

"Hey, Kira," he said casually.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Tell me, do you think that Captain Aizen and Lieutenant Matsumoto would make a cute couple?" Gin said innocently.

"WHAT?" Kira said, shocked.

"Oh yes, they definitely had some chemistry going when I saw them together, and I know for a fact that they both admire each other," Gin elaborated.

"They can't…"

"You're not looking well. Did you want to go home early?" Gin asked with concern.

"Um, actually yes. I've finished up almost everything; I think I'll just go ahead and leave for the day," Kira replied, slightly wild-eyed.

After Kira had gone, Yachiru popped in through the window, where she had been watching. Gin didn't react; he had known that she was there.

"I don't get it," she said. "I could have sworn that Kira liked Momo. Wouldn't that mean that he would want Aizen to get together with someone else?"

"Well, you love Kenpachi don't you? Wouldn't you go out of your way to make sure that he didn't get sad?"

Yachiru nodded her head.

"He's a good kid. I have to wonder how in the world he got saddled with me," Gin said with a shrug.

"You're still trying to make this paring work, right?" Yachiru asked.

"Of course!"

"Great, because I have a good idea!" Yachiru said. "See you later!"

"Fantastic," Gin sighed.

* * *

The next morning, Rangiku came into Gin's office. "Are you going to the party tonight?" she asked.

"What party?"

"Yachiru came by and said that Squad 11 is having a huge drinking party tonight," Rangiku replied happily.

"Oh yes, I will be going," Gin answered.

After Rangiku left Gin started to think quickly. He opened his drawer and began looking through his collection of bottles. That's the one, he thought, holding up a vial. Now I just need to call over Aizen.

* * *

"Good afternoon, Gin," Aizen said, sitting down.

"Hello, Captain Aizen. Would you like some tea?" Gin asked, offering him a box.

"You always have such an eclectic selection," Aizen said, glancing over the different teas that Gin had stored away. He picked one out and they spent some time drinking and chatting.

"I asked you over because I wanted to make sure that you knew that there was going to be a party at Squad 11 tonight. I know for a fact that Rangiku will be there," Gin said with a smile.

"I always thought that you had a thing for her."

"I told you, I don't have connections like that. I use people when I need them, but I'm cold like a snake. She means nothing to me," Gin said with a shrug. "If you find her attractive, then go have fun."

"Parties like this one aren't really what I'm into, but I think I might show up for awhile this time," Aizen said.

"Good, I'll see you there."

After Aizen had left Kira came in, looking exhausted. "Are you ok?" Gin asked him.

"Just tired," Kira said, sinking into the chair by Gin's desk. Gin's face stiffened. Oh no, he thought. I should have moved that chair. He never sits down there though, so I wasn't expecting it.

"I took Rangiku out drinking last night," Kira explained. "Hanging out with her is a little rough on the body."

Good boy, Gin thought. He was keeping Rangiku occupied. Oh well, he's going to have fun time tonight if he goes to that party now that he's covered in all of the pheromones that I coated the chair with.

"Anyways, I do have some things for you to sign, Captain," Kira said wearily, getting up and walking to Gin's side of the desk. He leaned over his sitting captain, pointing out the areas to sign. Technically, Gin was supposed to fill out these forms himself but he never did. He trusted Kira to just tell him what to do as far as all of this administrative stuff was concerned. After he had finished, he looked up at Kira, who was looking particularly pensive for some reason, and wondered what he was thinking about. Gin reached out and ran his fingers through Kira's hair, moving it out of his face. Kira looked up at him, a slight blush across his face. "Captain?" he asked.

Whoops, at least I know now that the pheromones work. "I like your hair," Gin said, simply.

"Um, thanks," Kira replied.

* * *

"Hi," Shuuhei said meaningfully to the good looking woman that walked up to the couch that he and Kira were sitting on.

"Hi!" she said, smiling.

"I'm Shuuhei," he said with a wolf's grin.

"You're the lieutenant of Squad 3, aren't you?" the girl asked Kira, ignoring Shuuhei.

"Um, yeah," Kira said distractedly. He was trying to keep an eye on Rangiku.

She sat down next to him, getting his attention. "My name is Hitomi."

Shuuhei looked over with amusement. That amusement became annoyance at the fifth girl.

Gesh, did I forget to shower or something? When the hell did Kira become such a stud? Shuuhei thought, looking over at Kira, who was half incredibly embarrassed and half enjoying all of the attention, despite how uncomfortable it was making him.

Gin's plan was working on Aizen. He had hoped that by making Aizen the target of a lot of woman, that the one woman he wanted to go unnoticed would slip by.

"This is a weird party," Shuuhei confessed to Renji halfway through the night. "Look at Captain Aizen over there. He never shows up for these things and yet he's over there practically in a sea of beautiful woman. And look at Kira! Meanwhile, no one has even talked to me."

"I'm talking to you," Renji slurred drunkenly.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's get really drunk. Screw all these women! I don't need them!" Shuuhei said, taking a large swig of sake.

"Bottom's up!" agreed Renji.

The whole thing looked like it was going according to plan (at least Gin's plans), when all of sudden Aizen made a break from the adoring crowd around him and headed towards Rangiku. Gin panicked slightly. If she was attracted to him before, she was definitely going to like him now that he was covered from head to foot in pheromones.

"Hello, Rangiku," Aizen said with a wide smile.

"I'm glad you could make it," she responded.

"It's a little crowded in here. Would you like to go for a walk?" Aizen suggested.

"I would love…"

"Captain Aizen," Gin stepped in. "May I have a word with you?"

Rangiku sent him a devastating look that he ignored.

"Of course, Gin," Aizen answered, following Gin outside into the cool air.

They stood there for a moment.

"Before you start whatever excuse you have worked out," Aizen said, "you should probably know that I know what you did."

"You…do?" Gin asked. Damn the man, did he always have to know everything? Was he a physic or something?

"What you didn't consider was that these pheromones affect the person wearing them as well," Aizen answered.

Gin was silent, wondering what Aizen what getting at.

"So, you could say that I am a little riled up," Aizen continued.

That's probably not good, Gin thought to himself.

"I'll offer you a deal," Aizen said, stepping closer to Gin, placing his hands lightly on his hips.

Why is he touching me? Gin was starting to get worried.

"If you kiss me, I'll ignore Rangiku. But, I do need something," Aizen said seriously.

Kiss…Aizen? Gin was wondering where exactly it was that things had gone so off the rails.

Aizen leaned in close to him. Gin could feel the warmth of his breath.

"GIN!" Yachiru yelled, jumping into his arms, in between him and Aizen.

"Yachiru?" Gin asked.

"You promised me that you'd play with me but then you disappeared!" Yachiru pouted.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Gin replied with a smile. He allowed himself to be led back instead, Yachiru pulling him by his hand. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Rangiku, fallen over in a heap on a futon. "Rangiku!" Gin cried, rushing to her.

She looked up at him her eyes glazed, and then closed them.

"Booby-chan doesn't look too good, maybe we should take her home," suggested Yachiru.

Gin picked Rangiku up and carried her to her quarters, Yachiru riding his back with her arms around his neck.

"You owe me," she whispered into his ear.

"What did you…"

"It's just a sedative," she answered.

They got to Rangiku's quarters, and Gin turned on the light. Rangiku stirred and then looked up. "Gin?" she asked.

"You had a little too much to drink, I just wanted to make sure that you got home safely," Gin said.

"Gin…" Rangiku said, looking at him for a long time. "…thank you," she said finally.

"I told you to never thank me," Gin said.

* * *

"Do you really think that it's alright for her to have so much sugar?" the waitress asked.

"It's a special occasion," Gin answered. "It's her birthday," he lied.

"Happy birthday!" the waitress said to Yachiru.

"Thanks!" Yachiru said.

"And how old are you now?" the waitress asked.

"I'm…" Yachiru began.

"She just turned 8," Gin said quickly.

"Congratulations!" the waitress said with a large smile.

"The world of the living has the best sweets!" Yachiru said after the woman had left.

"I was thinking that for our next…" Gin started.

"Wait, we didn't exactly complete the last one," Yachiru said.

"Oh shut up and eat your sundae."

Yachiru complied. After a couple of minutes she looked up. "Would you have done it?"

"What?"

"Would you have kissed him?"

"I was thinking we should do the rescue squad vs. espada," Gin said.

(rescue squad would be those that came after Orihime): roll is **"Chad" Yasutora Sado.**

Espada is: **Tia Harrible**

Friend, Foe or Mate?: 1, **Friend**

"Hm. It's a little unexpected but not undoable," Gin said after thinking for a moment.

"Don't think that I didn't notice you didn't answer my question," Yachiru said.


	12. Chad & Harribel: Friend

**Chad & Harribel: Friend**

* * *

_A/N: Man her name is confusing. It's pronounced Hallibel in the English dub (which makes sense if you know how Japanese r's sound) but spelled as Harribel and no one ever calls her Tia as far as I can tell. Do we just randomly decide which characters we use first names and last names for? I mean I call Yumichika Ayasegawa "Yumichika" and Retsu Unohana "Unohana". Ahem, sorry for the random rant. I am making Tesla with the "l", because "Tesra" as it says is the official name blows my mind. Damn it vagaries of human languages across cultures! Apache is really Apacci? Sun-Sun is really Sung-Sun? Gesh. I'm glad I have the guide on hand to look up all this stuff._

_Sorry this one took awhile to update, I've been sick and also I ran into some problems with this chapter. Neither character is particularly humorous. Hopefully I can garner at least a couple moments of levity._

_There's a little bit of playing around with time lines here, but not too much._

* * *

"Exactly what are you doing, Ichimaru?" Harribel asked.

"Oh nothing," Gin sighed. "I was just watching Nnoitra completely disobey Lord Aizen's orders by attacking some poor kid. He's not even a shinigami, just a human."

"What?" She looked at the screen Gin was looking at, seeing Chad's prone figure on the ground. "He fought against Nnoitra and is still alive?"

"Well, it's not like he hurt Nnoitra or anything. Who knows, maybe Nnoitra just wants to watch him slowly bleed to death, you know how little he cares about that sort of thing."

Harribel didn't say anything.

"The odd thing is that since he isn't a shinigami, the only reason he can possibly be here is to help rescue the Orihime girl. They must be close for him to risk his life on a suicide mission just to try and save her," Gin said. "It's so sad really. It's probably why Aizen told everyone not to get involved in the first place. These human's don't really concern us. Our battle will be in Karakura town; this is all just meaningless. It's a pathetic way to die for someone obviously so loyal to his friends."

"When are we leaving?" Harribel asked.

"Oh, in a little bit," Gin answered vaguely.

As Harribel left, Gin smiled to himself. She is such a very predictable person sometimes, he thought. She doesn't even like killing other hollows when they're _trying_ to kill her. He continued to watch the flickering greenish screen in front of him while keeping on eye on the progress of the other invaders.

* * *

Cupcakes, Chad thought. He was falling down from the sky towards giant cupcakes. He hit them hard but sunk in slightly into their softness. They're still warm, he thought. His stomach growled. I wonder how long it's been since we've gotten here? I'm hungry.

He opened his eyes, and then closed them immediately.

"Um, excuse me lady," he said, "but can you put me down?"

"You shouldn't walk right now," she told him.

Chad opened his eyes again, this time trying very hard to ignore the very large breasts his face was pressed into as Harribel carried him. "You're an espada?"

"Yes."

"Why are you helping me?"

"There's no reason for you to die right now," she answered.

Chad wondered why she only felt the need to wear ¼ of a shirt, but it wasn't worth the effort to ask.

* * *

"Oh, did you bring us a toy?" Appaci laughed when Harribel walked in. "He's looks about your size, Mila Rose."

Harribel simply put Chad down on a low divan.

"What's your name?" Sung-sun asked.

"Sado Yasutora…Chad…," he answered.

"Tia Harribel, Espada Tres," Harribel introduced herself.

"The stuck up snotty one is Sung-Sun, the gorilla is Mila Rose, and the super attractive cute one is Apacci," Apacci explained.

Chad didn't answer.

"HEY didn't you hear me?" she yelled.

"Um…" Chad wasn't sure what he was supposed to answer. He focused instead on Harribel who was tending to his wounds.

"Maybe he just doesn't think you're attractive," Sung-Sun pointed out.

"You should have introduced yourself as irritating brat and then maybe he'd remember which was you," Mila Rose said.

"DID JUST CALL ME AN IRRITATING BRAT?" Apacci yelled, confusing Chad by yelling at him instead of Mila Rose.

"…no…" he answered.

"GOOD BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST AS MUCH OF A GORILLA-BEAR-BULL AS MILA ROSE IS!" Apacci continued yelling.

"She's loud," Chad mentioned to Harribel.

"Yes," Harribel agreed.

"I think she must like you," Sung-Sun said, covering her face as she giggled.

"WHAT?"

Apacci was shouting at Sung-Sun, Sung-Sun was ignoring her completely, and Mila Rose was trying to smack Apacci upside the head while Apacci dodged (while still not missing a beat in her rant against Sung-Sun).

Harribel sighed deeply and then looked at the human she was repairing. He frowned slightly and she shrugged.

"You're different than the other," Chad said.

"What, Nnoitra?" Harribel asked.

"You fought Nnoitra?" Apacci said, her tirade stopping in mid word.

"Giant sickle thing and an eyepatch?" Chad asked.

"That's him. Plus his annoying fanboy, Tesla. I swear that kid poked his own damn eye out just to be like Nnoitra. I tried to take it off once to see, but he got away," Apacci said.

"Nnoitra is a chauvinist pig," said Mila Rose.

"I heard him saying that he was the best espada. Look at your number pal; you're not even close to our Harribel!" Apacci said.

"Well, only two off," Sung-Sun pointed out.

"SHUT UP! ARE YOU SAYING HE CAN EVEN BE COMPARED TO HARRIBEL?" Apacci yelled.

"Of course not," Sung-Sun scoffed.

"Fixed?" Harribel asked, gesturing to Chad's healing wounds.

"Close enough," Chad said. He paused. "Why?"

"You're only trying to save your friend. I would do the same," Harribel said.

"What's that?" Apacci asked, turning suddenly to the north.

"Ichigo…" Chad said.

"It's Grimmjow," Harribel said. "Let's go," she told her fraccion.

"Ha ha! Yes, let's go watch!" Apacci said.

"What, you're not too scared to get close to all of that spiritual pressure?" Mila Rose teased.

"I'LL SHOW YOU SCARED!"

"Such children," Sung-Sun sighed.

"Thank you," Chad said. "Maybe in the future the situation will be reversed."

"I hope not," Harribel said.

"It's obvious that our master can never lose, she won't ever need your help. Just be happy she's kind hearted and helped you," Appaci responded.

Chad grunted his reply, getting up. Both groups headed towards the fight, but traveled on different paths.

* * *

"Wait a minute," Yachiru said. "Where was I?"

"I'm pretty sure you're coming up fairly quick because Kenpachi comes soon," Gin asid.

"Kenny? Wait…where is he? KENNY!"

"Shall we do our next roll?" Gin asked.

"He wouldn't leave without me, would he?" Yachiru asked, biting her lip.

"I'm sure he'll wait. This week's roll is Espada vs. Espada! First roll is for: **Coyote Starrk**. Second is for: **Nnoitra Jiruga**. Friend, Foe or Mate?" Gin rolled the dice one last time. "**Foe**."


	13. Starrk & Nnoitra: Foe

**Starrk & Nnoitra: Foe**

"Starrk is a pretty laid back guy, I'm not sure how we'll get him to become an enemy of Nnoitra," Gin said.

"Well, they're pretty much like two Kenny's, right?" Yachiru pointed out.

"I'm not following you."

"Nnoitra likes to fight like Kenny, and Starrk has Lilynette like Kenny has me. So it should be pretty easy to get them mad at each other," Yachiru said cheerfully.

"How is that?"

"Ok, so here's what you need to do…" Yachiru laid out the plan.

* * *

"I've always thought it was so odd that Starrk is the number one espada," Gin said with a sigh. "He's so lazy, it hardly seems like he should have the title."

Nnoitra grunted. "Yeah, I know. _I'm_ the number one espada."

"Well, that's not what the ranks say."

Nnoitra glared at him.

"Hey, I'm not the one who made the rules," Gin declared, throwing his hands up.

* * *

"HEY STARRK!" Nnoitra yelled, trying to wake up the sleeping espada.

"What?" Starrk eventually got out.

"I'm the number one espada!"

"Fine," Starrk said, turning over and snoring immediately.

"WHAT? NO, wake up you idiot! We have to fight."

"I'm not going to fight against you. I'd give you my number if I could but that's not how it works. Go bother someone else," Starrk murmured without opening his eyes.

"You're a coward!" Nnoitra roared at him.

Starrk ignored him.

"How can you just take that? Doesn't it hurt you?"

"No," Starrk replied. "The yelling does a little. Can you insult me in a quieter voice?"

"You're impossible!"

* * *

"You know what you should try," Gin said.

"What? I tried everything."

"Annoying him."

"I tried annoying him."

"Use Lilynette," Gin suggested.

"I'm not gonna hurt that brat, as obnoxious as she is."

"I didn't say hurt her, just get her to annoy Starrk. She's the only one I've ever seen been able to do it," Gin mentioned.

"That's true," Nnoitra mulled. "How would I go about getting her to do that for me though?"

"Step one: Caffeine."

"What's caffeine?"

* * *

"Hey, what's in the cup?" Lilynette asked.

"You can't have any," Nnoitra answered.

"I just wanted to know what it was."

"It's a drink for adults. It's not for someone like you."

"Why not? Please, I just want a little. It's really big; you can't drink the whole thing. Maybe you can just give me a taste. What does it taste like? Is it sweet?" Lilynette said in almost one breath.

She doesn't even need caffeine, Nnoitra thought to himself.

"You're right, I can't finish it all. You can have some, but don't tell Starrk that I gave it you to, ok?"

"Ok!"

* * *

"Starrk Starrk Starrk Starrk! WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!" Lilynette sang, jumping off of Starrk's stomach.

"Too…early…" For once Stark wasn't exaggerating. It was 4am and Lilynette definitely should have been asleep.

"CAN'T SLEEP CLOWNS WILL EAT ME!" she yelled.

"What is wrong with you? Even you have to sleep sometimes," he groaned.

"I got an espresso thingie from Nnoitra. Whoops, I didn't tell you that! He said it has lots of caffeine to give me energy, and that I don't have to sleep for a long time now!"

"Nnoitra gave you it?" Starrk asked.

"Yes, he said you slept too much and that this serves your lazy butt right…or something like that…"

Starrk tried putting a pillow over his head but that didn't stop the noise, and it definitely didn't stop Lilynette from throwing things at him.

"Ninja star!" she yelled, throwing a paperweight at him.

"OW!" he moaned as hit him in the back.

* * *

"Better, but not there yet," Nnoitra confessed to Gin.

"I thought that might be the case. He's probably used to her being hyper. There's one thing every parent or guardian dreads though."

Nnoitra got an evil grin as he heard the new plan.

* * *

"Starrk, what's sex?" Lilynette asked.

"WHAT?" Starrk said, waking up abruptly.

"Nnoitra was telling me that there's something called sex when people really like each other and I was wondering what that was."

"Don't worry about it," Starrk said.

"I guess I can just ask him for more details."

"NO! Wait…um…hey, don't you just want to sleep a little or something?" Starrk asked plaintively.

"What are condoms? Nnoitra said that you need one to not get STDs."

"WHAT HAS HE BEEN TELLING YOU?"

* * *

"Don't go to him yet, I say do something just a little extra to make sure," Gin confided to Nnoitra.

"Yeah, good idea. What else do you think I should do?" Nnoitra asked.

"This one is a little overboard, but I think you'll want to do it."

* * *

"What do you have in your cup this time, Nnoitra?" Lilynette asked.

"This you really can't have. This is for adults only," Nnoitra replied.

"What is it?"

"Sake."

"Can I have some?" asked Lilynette.

"You are not about to give her alcohol," Grimmjow said, walking in.

"What if I am?" Nnoitra answered.

"Yeah, what if he is? You are, aren't you? Please please please!" Lilynette begged.

"Ok, here, you can have the rest of mine."

"THE WHOLE JUG? What is wrong with you Nnoitra," Grimmjow shook his head. "I don't normally care, but at the very least you're wasting sake, and at the most Starrk is gonna beat your head in."

"That's what I'm hoping for," Nnoitra grinned.

"Oh yeah? Maybe I'll stick around for that," Grimmjow took a chair.

"Are you giving Lilynette sake?" Szayel asked.

"Yes he did," Grimmjow replied.

"Why in the world would you do that?"

It wasn't too long before there was a very drunk little hollow happily singing to herself.

Starrk burst into the room. "Wahasa doings to mah Lily? Hic!" He slurred.

"What?" Nnoitra asked.

"Sssthupid! Why'd you do that fur!" he yelled.

"Is he drunk?" Grimmjow asked.

"How interesting," Szayel said, looking at Lilynette and then back at Starrk. He thought for a moment. "I never thought that they were that linked."

"You mean her getting drunk got him drunk too?" Nnoitra laughed.

"Shhatdup you jerkface!" Starrk said. "Shhtop meshing with Lilynettesh!"

"And what you going to do about it?"

"I'm gonna make you uglier! Hic!"

"What?" Nnoitra was taken aback.

"You all like tall and shtuff. So what? You're all ugly! Like boo!"

"Um…"

"Grimmjow, if you had to shleep with me or Nnoitra, who would you pick?" Starrk asked.

"Wow, that is not a question I am prepared to answer," Grimmjow replied.

"Szayel?" Starrk questioned.

"Um…I'm not going to pick sides here," Szayel said.

"It's true," Gin said, having entered the room while none of them were looking. "Starrk is way sexier than Nnoitra."

"Shee!" Starrk said.

"Aizen says so all the time," Gin continued.

"Yeah, Aizen shays so…wait, what?" Starrk turned to look at Gin. Gin shrugged.

"I'M NOT UGLY! YOU'RE THE NARCOLEPTIC!" Nnoitra yelled at Starrk.

"YOU HAVE A HOLE INSTEAD OF A BRAIN!" Starrk yelled back.

"I THINK JUST FINE!"

"HIGHLY DOUBSSTFUL!"

"Will you please stop shouting," Aizen said.

The room went dead still.

"Please don't get Lilynette drunk again, Nnoitra," Aizen added before he left.

"Great, now you got me in trouble you jerk!" Nnoitra hissed at Starrk.

"Nooosss, you're the jerk, jerkface! Hic!"

* * *

"See, I told you it would work," Yachiru laughed.

"Yeah, but I wanted to see them actually fight," Gin sighed.

"What shall we do next?"

"I say captains & lieutenants vs. captains & lieutenants. First roll…Yay! It's **Kenny**! Second roll, **Shuuhei Hisagi**," Yachiru said. "And the last roll is for…**friend**!"

_A/N: Hm, well I guess they both like to drink, but if Kenpachi finds out about the whole "I'm scared to fight and don't like hurting people" thing it's going to put a serious damper on their friendship._


	14. Kenpachi & Shuuhei: Friend

**Kenpachi & Shuuhei: Friend**

**

* * *

**

"I've come up with a perfect solution for our problem," Gin said.

"Um?" Yachiru said through her full mouth.

"Did you know that Shuuhei is an accomplished chef?"

"Wha…?"

"He makes lots of good food," Gin clarified.

"Oh, goodie!" Yachiru cheered.

"So all you have to do…"

"All I have to do is have Kenny order Shuuhei to make me food!" Yachiru finished.

"Er, that wasn't quite my plan but sure, why not? I'm sure that Shuuhei won't be terrified out of his mind or anything."

* * *

"Hey," Kenpachi said to Shuuhei.

"H-hello, Captain Zaraki," Shuuhei was proud of himself for not jumping. He wasn't sure how he had possibly missed the captain's ominous spiritual pressure before but he was definitely feeling its malevolent presence now. "Um, are you here to finally turn in your squad's descriptions forms for the annual registration drive?"

"The what?" Kenpachi mulled it over. "Hell no. I think Yumichika is doing something about that…that…whatever it is."

"Um, so…?"

"Yachiru says you cook," Kenpachi said.

"…yes?"

"So we're coming over tonight for dinner. See you at 7."

Dinner…Kenpachi…dinner…it took awhile for it to sink into Shuuhei's skull, way after Kenpachi had taken his leave.

I have to make him and Yachiru dinner? I don't even understand where this came from, Shuuhei pondered.

Then of course he had to work late and barely made it home before 7. He started to mini panic thinking of the hulking captain and the annoying…er…precocious pink-haired lieutenant coming by when he didn't have anything for them to eat.

* * *

"Hey," Kenpachi grunted as Shuuhei opened the door.

"Er, hello," Shuuhei greeted. "I uh, didn't really have anything fancy to make so hopefully you like it."

"What is this?" Kenpachi asked as he started chowing down.

"Just some stir fry."

"Yeah, but it's different," Kenpachi pointed out.

"Oh, I cook my stir fry in sake," Shuuhei then worried a little bit. How old was Yachiru again? I mean, she wasn't really old enough to drink, or was see? Did it even matter considering the type of people that she hung out with?

"It's good!" Yachiru chirped.

Shuuhei sighed with relief.

"Did you make brownies for desert?" she added.

Shuuhei hadn't even planned desert, since he wasn't a huge fan of sweets himself, and he had no idea what brownies were.

Yachiru sensed his confusion. "Ikkaku brought me back some from the world of the living and they're really good!"

"Oh well, I guess I would have to get a recipe from him to make them," Shuuhei mentioned.

"Good, we can have brownies next time," Yachiru said with a cheer.

Next time? Shuuhei groaned internally.

* * *

"Next time" Shuuhei had tried to make something a little more fancy, not that it seemed to matter to the large spiky haired captain one way or the other. Yachiru seemed to like the duck though, and Shuuhei actually liked making food for more than one person. It always seemed a little bit of a waste to make a whole bird for himself since he always had some go bad before he could finish it all.

He also attempted the brownies, however he wasn't that much of a baker. Not too many non-cooks understand the difference between a chef and a baker, but Shuuhei knew that he was good at one and miserable at the other.

"It's ok Shue, we'll work on it together next time. Maybe Ikkaku will come over and help!"

Of course it wasn't just Ikkaku, it was Yumichika and Ikkaku, which actually wound up being a good thing since Yumichika knew a little bit about baking and Ikkaku only knew how to not burn butter.

Before I know it, I'm going to be cooking for all of Squad 11, Shuuhei moaned to himself. What am I going to do? It's not like I can afford to keep feeding five people instead of one almost every night, especially if Yachiru keeps demanding baked sweets.

He was however proud of his brownies. He had to admit that although he didn't like hard sweets, there was definitely something to be loved about warm and moist chocolaty bread. Besides, he had found that if he made extras and handed them to Rangiku, he'd get a big hug and a kiss on the check for his efforts. He wondered how much brownies it would take to feed the whole Shinigami Women's Association.

* * *

"Yachiru, I'm getting fat, we can't keep eating so much food all of the time," Kenpachi complained.

"Kenny can't get fat!" Yachiru denied. "He only gets more musclely!"

"Uh huh. I'm just saying we need to cut down on eating over at Hisagi's."

"Oh boo!"

* * *

About a week later, Kenpachi was walking with Yachiru to her lieutenant's meeting. She saw Shuuhei and squealed, jumping into his arms. "Mommy!" she cried. "Make me some cookies, Mommy!"

Shuuhei turned about half a dozen colors before settling on a very very pale white.

"Heh…heheh…HAHAHAHHAAHA!" Kenpachi belted out. "Don't let her get to you," he said to Shuuhei. "I'll bring some sake next time," he offered as a way of apology. Shuuhei perked up a little at that. Everyone knew that somehow Kenpachi always got his hands on the best sake. There were rumors that he might even make it himself, but Shuuhei suspected that Yachiru probably purloined it from the Kuchiki coffers in the middle of the night.

* * *

"See, it worked!" Yachiru said proudly. "AND I got lots of good food!"

"Yeah, it did. Rangiku is happy too. I guess she's fond of something called "snickerdoodles" that Shuuhei makes now."

"Oh, I love those!"

"So, who's next?" Gin asked.

"Humans and shinigami, I think. ALL shinigami versus ALL humans," Yachiru offered.

"All right, here goes: **Rukia Kuchiki and Keigo Asano: Friend**."

"Too bad, that would have been a fun mate, I think Ichigo might have died!"


	15. Rukia & Keigo: Friend

**Rukia & Keigo: Friend**

**

* * *

**

"This should be easy enough," Gin told Yachiru.

"How is that?"

"Well, for problems like this you look to see what the two people have in common, and then you pick the thing that's the easiest to manipulate," Gin explained.

"Ok, so…they both go to school, they both are friends with Ichigo Kurosaki, they…"

"That's it, right? Ichigo," Gin pointed out.

"But how will we make Ichigo make them friends?" Yachiru wondered.

"Oh, annoyance and anger are a lot easier to work on than contentment and happiness."

"Oh, so we just need to get them both annoyed at Ichigo."

"Yes."

"Maybe even work together to do something to Ichigo."

"Yes."

"You're right, this should be easy!" Yachiru said happily.

* * *

"But whhhhhhhy?" Keigo whined.

"Because you're annoying," Ichigo said over his shoulder.

"So harsh. When did you get to be so mean?" Keigo asked with tears in his eyes.

"He's always been this mean," Mizuiro stated, not bothering to look up from his cell phone.

"And who are you always texting?" Keigo asked.

"Women," Mizuiro said with a shrug.

"So casual about it too! I hate everyone!" Keigo said.

"I heard that Ichigo Kurosaki has tickets to the Gloom Dolls concert," Yachiru, dressed as a high school student told her newly found friends.

"Really? I heard the concert sold out in like 5 minutes!" the girl she was talking to said excitedly.

"Yeah, he actually won a contest and has back stage passes and everything!" Yachiru mentioned.

"Wow!"

"WHAT?" Keigo jumped into the group.

"Go away, Keigo," one of the girls said.

"WHY DO YOU KNOW THIS AND I DON'T?" Keigo yelled at Yachiru.

Yachiru licked her lollypop and shrugged. "I don't know, he asked me to go but I was busy. It's such a bummer," she said with an exaggerated slump of her shoulders.

"He…he asked you…someone who I don't even know…to go to this concert that he didn't even mention to his very bestest friend? The world is over!" Keigo practically yelled at her before turning and sprinting down the hall.

"He's such a weirdo," one of the girls said.

"What was your name again?" Mizuiro asked, holding out his hand to be introduced to Yachiru.

* * *

"No you cannot go, mind your duties," Rukia read off of her cell phone. "What is my brother talking about?" She texted back and waited a few moments for the reply.

"The Gloom Dolls concert that Ichigo Kurosaki has tickets to?" Rukia read. "HE HAS WHAT?"

Ichigo walked into the room.

"How dare you not tell me that you have tickets to the Gloom Dolls concert this weekend! I have to go shopping to pick out something to wear and now I barely have time!" she yelled at him.

"What? We're not doing anything this weekend."

"LIAR!" Keigo yelled at him from the front of room, quickly making his way back. "Why didn't you tell me? Backstage passes? Do you even know how hot the Gloom Dolls are? I'll probably die if one of them even smiles at me!"

"Backstage passes?" Rukia asked.

"It means you get to go and meet them, or at least see them when they're not on stage," Keigo explained, wondering why Rukia seemed confused.

"REALLY?" she squealed. "I have to meet Ayane! I have to find out how she gets her hair rainbow colored like that."

"It's a wig," Keigo said.

"No, she said in an interview that it's all real."

"Oh wow, how does she manage that?"

"See? I have to know if it's hard because maybe I could try and…"

"What in the world are you two talking about?" Ichigo said, scratching his head.

"The Gloom Dolls, are you deaf all of a sudden?" Rukia said with a glare.

"So how many tickets did you get? Will Rukia and I both be able to go?"

"If not, I'm definitely willing to fight for it!" Rukia said, eyeballing Keigo.

"No! Please, no more hitting! My kidneys have finally healed! My doctor says it's not healthy to have blood in my pee!" Keigo begged, shielding his body behind a desk.

"I don't have any tickets," Ichigo said.

"Everyone please take your seats!" the teacher ordered.

* * *

"Why does he say he doesn't have any tickets?" Keigo asked.

"I don't know, but if my brother says he has them, then he does," Rukia told him.

"Why are you so bad at that?" Keigo said watching Rukia fail to open a juice box. He finally just took it from her and used the straw to poke a hole through the top, handing it back to her.

"Thanks, these things are tricky," she said.

"Are not…" Keigo replied. He saw the fire in Rukia's eyes and instantly raised his hands. "I'm innocent! Don't hurt an innocent child!"

"A child?" Rukia said with a laugh.

"Whatever makes you not hurt me I'll go with," Keigo admitted, not lowering his splayed hands.

"Do you think he has the tickets on him?" Rukia asked.

"I don't know, but there's one way to find out."

"Ambush!" Rukia replied.

* * *

"What the…" Ichigo was unaffected by their ambush, standing tall while Keigo wrapped himself around his feet and Rukia hung around his shoulders pounding on his back. "What are you two doing?"

"Where are the tickets?" Rukia asked, giving up on pummeling Ichigo and instead diving into his pockets.

"AH! Don't touch! WHAT THE HELL…" Ichigo yelled as Rukia liberally searched through his clothing.

"He's hiding it, I know it!" Rukia declared.

"Tickle!" Keigo said, attacking Ichigo's sides with his fingers.

"AHHAHAHHAHA Stop!" Ichigo demanded. He finally threw the two of them off. "Seriously guys, did someone drug your juice this morning or what?"

"He's getting away!" Keigo whined as Ichigo left them.

"Plan B," Rukia said.

* * *

"WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM!" Ichigo roared at the two of them jumped out at him from his closet. He struggled briefly but didn't have a chance to even get out of his desk chair before they tied him down.

"Now, you have three choices," Rukia said. "One, tell us where the tickets are. Two, promise you'll take us to the concert. Three, say nothing and be punished." Her voice got low and dangerous at the last option.

"I don't know why you guys think I have tickets to see your weird idols, but I don't," Ichigo replied.

"This might take some time," Rukia said, her eyes gleaming.

"Should I go and get the cold and hot water?" Keigo asked.

"Yes," Rukia replied.

"What? What is that for? Geez guys, you're taking this too serious…OW OW HOT!"

* * *

"I can't believe that he never fessed up to having the tickets," Rukia said, completely dressed in black head to toe, her face painted dark.

"Where did you get these cool night vision goggles?" Keigo asked, also dressed fully in black.

"Urahara's shop. He has some weird things aside from candy," Rukia explained. "Shhh…here they come…" her voice dropped to a whisper.

They waited until the group of people passed through the doors below them before following stealthily.

"OH MY GOD AYANE I LOVE YOUR HAIR!" Rukia gushed at the very surprised looking idol.

"PLEASE TOUCH ME HITOMI!" Keigo begged.

"SECURITY!"

* * *

"Well, I'm sure they'll become even closer friends in the holding cell while they wait for Ichigo to come and get them," Gin said, watching the video over again.

"I like this part the best," Yachiru fast forwarded to the part where Keigo got pepper sprayed in the eyes.

Gin's smile got even bigger. "Overall, a great success. I had a lot of fun stealing Captain Kuchiki's phone to text Rukia as well. I had to restrain myself from declaring my undying love for her. How funny would that have been? That would have made for an awkward family reunion!"

"Or, more likely, you'd get a chest full of razor sharp sakura flowers! Now let's do another!" Yachiru said. "I say captains vs. espadas!"

"Oh, could be interesting!" Gin admitted. "Ok, first roll is for **Captain Jushiro Ukitake**. Second roll is for **Coyote Starrk**."

"And the roll is for…**Mate**."

"How interesting."


	16. Ukitake & Starrk: Mate

**Ukitake & Starrk: Mate**

_A/N: A little bit of time warping here because during this time in canon Gin is off playing with Ichigo and then following Aizen to fake Karakura town around at this time and Yachiru is off with Kenpachi in Hueco Mundo. Plus...er...Starrk doesn't die in this. LIKE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN (ahem)._

* * *

"Not that I really should care, but are you really just going to leave him there? It's very unlike you Jushiro," Gin called out across the battlefield.

"What are you talking about?" Captain Ukitake asked.

"Ignore him," Captain Kyoraku said. "And don't call him by his first name, you traitor!"

"Shouldn't you be paying more attention to me?" Ichigo asked Gin.

"Not until you're done pouting, and considering you still looked like you swallowed a lemon I figure I have a couple more minutes," Gin replied.

"I...I'm not pouting!" Ichigo yelled back.

"I'm talking about Starrk over there," Gin continued his long distance conversation with Jushiro. "Espada dissolve when they die, he's not dead yet."

"Oh," Jushiro looked at the prone body not too far from where he and Shunsui were sitting.

"Soft hearted as always," Shunsui gently chided him as Jushiro got up and approached the body of the fallen espada.

"Are you..." Jushiro fell silent as he stared at Coyote Starrk. "He's asleep?" he said quietly to himself. He knelt down and pushed the body slightly. Starrk reached up and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him to the ground next to him. "Wah..."

"Mmm," Starrk said sleepily. He cuddled next to Jushiro's body, the captain being too shocked to pull away. Starrk opened an eye. "Are you shinigami always so warm? I could get used to it."

"I...don't know," Jushiro said.

"Don't know?"

"Well, I think I'm warmer than most shinigami in general. I tend to run a low grade fever," Jushiro explained, now blushing as the espada refused to let him out his embrace.

"Fever? You're sick?" Starrk questioned him.

"Yes."

"You fought that well while sick?"

"Well, I'm always sick. I feel better sometimes, worse other times," Jushiro wondered why he was even bothering explaining himself to an enemy, not that Starrk seemed much of an enemy before, and even less so now that he was dozing while wrapped around Jushiro's waist. If anything, Starrk reminded Jushiro of Shunsui. They even had the same dreamy look in their eyes. Although Shunsui's usually had a trace of redness from his drink, and Starrk's eyes were gun metal blue-gray slightly clouded with sleep.

"Oh. Well that's sad. But, that must mean you spend a lot of time in bed," Starrk replied.

"Yes, unfortunately."

"Unfortunate nothing. That's perfect," Starrk turned sideways and opened his other eye. "So you with Mr. Fun and Games over there?" he asked, gesturing towards an amused looking Shunsui.

"With...Shunsui? No, he's very much into women," Jushiro couldn't believe the fact that he was thousands of years old and blushing. How much younger was Starrk anyways? He refused to believe that some kid (well, in comparative terms – not that Jushiro could remotely consider Starrk a child), could make him turn red so easily.

"And you? Bet not, right? You don't strike me as a _ladies_ man," Starrk smiled a lazy smile.

"Why are we talking about this?" Jushiro asked.

"Wanna be my teddy bear?" Starrk asked.

Jushiro could clearly hear Shunsui laughing in the background. "Your...your what? Of course not!" Jushiro said, pushing Starrk away. Or trying to push Starrk away, he was surprisingly strong for someone who appeared to be on the verge of death not too long ago. Did he maybe regenerate through sleep?

"Aw, come on. I promise I'll be nice, and I'm a great cuddler," Starrk offered.

"Do it!" Shunsui yelled.

Jushiro tried to whirl around to yell at his old friend but Starrk held him in place. "So, what do you think? At least you should sleep on it, yeah?"

"Sleep on it?"

"I bet you're tired right now. All this fighting. Lot's of stress," Starrk said convincingly.

"But, Aizen is still here, and Gin. They might..."

"They just left, chased by that shinigami who came to Hueco Mundo for his friend and his dad," Starrk told him.

"His dad?" Jushiro was getting confused.

"Come here darling, and sleep a bit. I promise I'm soft," Starrk said, pulling Jushiro's head towards his chest.

Jushiro wondered what to do as he heard Starrk's breathing deepen as he went to sleep again.

"Shunsui?" he asked quietly.

"I'm not here," Shunsui said, walking off to check on the others.

Well, it's not like Jushiro was uncomfortable or anything, and he was feeling a bit drained.

* * *

"Remarkably simple," Gin said. "But then again, Starrk is so much like Shunsui, and Jushiro has such a kind heart, I didn't doubt that they'd get along great together when they weren't having to fight."

"Wait, does this mean that Lillynette get's a mommy now?" Yachiru asked.

"Well, if things go right, I suppose so."

"But...why don't I have a mommy?" Yachiru turned her big eyes toward Gin.

"Do NOT look at me," Gin said. "Take it up with Kenpachi. But honestly, I'm not really sure who you could find that could...deal...with him."

"Well, what should we do for our next game?"

"Let's just keep it easy. We'll do all shinigami vs. all shinigami," Gin suggested.

"Ok, first shinigami is: **Ichigo Kurosaki**."

"He kind of only barely counts as a shinigami," Gin said.

"Hey, you're the one that made the list."

"Oh well, who's the second person?" Gin asked.

"**Sosuke Aizen**."

"Here's hoping we don't have to make them friends," Gin replied. "Although, making them enemies might be too easy for my taste."

"The roll is...**3...mate**."

"Unexpected," Gin said simply.


	17. Ichigo & Aizen: Mate

**Ichigo & Aizen: Mate**

_A/N #1: How I make my selections. I have several lists (for instance, I have one called "all humans" and a "all espada") which list notable Bleach characters. For "all Shinigami" which is what this list was, I put the numbers into random. org's generator. In this case it came up with one, which happened to be Ichigo Kurosaki. The second number (since it was all shinigami vs. all shinigami) was 14, which was Aizen Sosuke. For Friend, Foe, or Mate, I simply type "1-3" as my numbers on random. org and it choose "3" (Mate). I will give myself a do over once in awhile if I truly think that the pairing will suck the life out of me and not be fun (for instance, Omaeda vs. anyone that doesn't involve them hating him) (sorry, he's my least liked character, probably)._

_A/N #2: This is some really crack-i-rific writing for this chapter. I mean, really really. I blame the migraines._

* * *

Gin was running out of time and wondering how he was going to get Aizen and Ichigo together. He watched the little image of Ichigo running towards the palace across the sands of Hueco Mundo.

"Didn't you want to play with him a little?" Gin asked Aizen as he felt the man's presence behind him. "He might not make it here in time."

"Oh, one way or another I will have time with him," Aizen said. "And then...I will eat him," he finished dramatically.

"Yes and then you will..." Gin trailed off. "Eat him? As in his soul? Or are you going to be nibbling on an arm? Or perhaps you mean er...something else?" Honestly, Aizen said and did some of the oddest things some times, not that Gin could really point to himself as a paragon of normalcy or anything.

Aizen just nodded, as if that were an answer in itself. He was looking at the screen intently, watching Ichigo's tiny running figure, flanked by his friends, and curiously, several arrancar.

"What if I could convince him to come and chat with you before our trip to the world of the living?" Gin asked the person next to him.

"Hm, I have been bored."

"I'll pop down and grab him for you," Gin promised.

* * *

"Oh good, you're mostly alone," Gin said to Ichigo, pausing to look at the tiny arrancar child. Was that...Gin shook his head. "Anyways, Aizen would like to talk to you."

Ichigo instantly got into a battle pose, despite barely looking like he was standing. Gin leaned in near to him to whisper into his ear. Ichigo began to jolt away but Gin held him there.

"Most of the captains and lieutenants of the Soul Society are in your world now," Gin said quietly.

"What?"

"They are making a second Karakura town, and placing the current one and all of its residents in the Soul Society for protection," Gin explained.

"If you know that then..."

"They're going to need a little more time. Aizen seems to have a...unhealthy fascination with you. It's kind of creepy but if you could just distract him for awhile, buy them some time, it would be in your favor."

"Why are you trying to help them?" Ichigo asked.

"Maybe I'm trying to protect all those poor humans in Karakura town."

"I bet," Ichigo said sarcastically.

"But you'll do it?" Gin asked. "Remember, I could have killed you at the gate, and I didn't."

"Yeah but wasn't that something to do with Aizen's plan? He explained but it was kind of confusing, plus I was mostly in half at the time," Ichigo said.

"I don't know why he did that, he seems to like you," Gin said with a shrug. The spiritual pressure of Ichigo's friends rose around him. "I promise that none of your friends will be hurt while you're away. Isn't that at least worth it?"

* * *

Ichigo was in a room surrounded with screens, each holding an image of one of his friends.

"Hey!" Gin yelled into a mic. Renji almost jumped out of his skin.

"Captain Ichi...Gin you traitor!" Renji yelled into the air. The two arrancar with him looked confused, but they looked like that was a fairly common expression to them.

"Don't move forward, it's a trap!" Gin told him, his voice coming down from the hallway's ceiling. Renji stared ahead at the small dip in the ground.

"I don't trust you!" Renji said.

"Throw the tiny fella and see what happens," Gin suggested.

"Was he talking to me?" Pesche asked, aghast.

"See, now they're all safe," Gin told Ichigo.

"You didn't protect Rukia, you just told her to stay in the sun."

"That'll be enough. Trust me," Gin assured Ichigo.

"No," Ichigo retorted.

"Fair enough. Here's what I need you to wear," Gin held up an outfit.

Ichigo sputtered. "HELL NO!"

* * *

"Always nice to have a relaxing cup of tea," Aizen said, sipping on his delicately. "Are you enjoying yourself, Ichigo?"

"Of course not! Why do I have to wear this stupid bunny suit?" Ichigo asked. "Bunny suit" might imply something like the Easter Bunny, which was very far from the truth. More along the lines of "Playboy Bunny". Ichigo was wearing was appeared to be a strapless one piece swimsuit of some kind with a large puffy tail stuck to the butt, large white bunny ears, and a choker with a tiny bow on it. The suit was a pastel pink, just to make Ichigo even more uncomfortable. He fiddle with the oversized white cuffs that hung on his wrists.

"You look, uncomfortable," Aizen pointed out. Ichigo supposed he could have meant it figuratively but he was looking at Ichigo's crotch when he said it.

"Of course I'm uncomfortable! Gin tried to make me do...something...to myself that would, er, tuck me in, but I refused."

"Gin, did you attempt to manhandle my bunny?" Aizen asked Gin as Gin placed a single sugar cube into his cup.

"Only a little," Gin said with a smile. "I didn't grope him or anything. Besides, he shrieks like a 13 year old girl."

"I do not!" Ichigo said, his voice raising into a high pitch as he spoke.

"It's a very nice surprise," Aizen said to Gin.

"Why thank you."

"I get it," Ichigo said. "You're the mad hatter," he points to Gin, "I'm the white rabbit and..."

"Does that make me Alice?" Aizen said with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"I can go get your blond wig if you want," Gin suggested.

"Please no!" Ichigo begged.

"He's getting bored," Gin whispered loudly to Ichigo. "Here!" He pulled Ichigo up and handed him a microphone. "Have you ever seen 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'"

"Please let this all be a nightmare," Ichigo said. Of course he had seen the movie. Of course he knew what Gin expected of him. Of course he had watched that scene too many times to count, not that there was anything wrong with thinking a cartoon bunny-woman was hot...or anything...dammit, he wasn't supposed to be Jessica Rabbit was he? He had the red hair but the outfit was all wrong. Oh god, that sounded so gay.

The music queued up magically. Gin was smiling at him wildly. Aizen looked curious but still aloof.

"Lord Aizen, several shinigami captains have...," one of the guards reported.

"Quiet," Aizen silenced the incoming arrancar. The arrancar looked shocked.

"But..." the arrancar tried again, and was cut off again.

Shit, I guess I really have to do it, Ichigo said. At least I'm really distracting him, no matter what game Gin is trying to play, hopefully I'm doing some good. The music started up again.

_"You had plenty money, 1922_  
_You let other women make a fool of you_  
_Why don't you do right, like some other men do?_  
_Get out of here and get me some money too"_

Ichigo tried singing as sultry as he could, thankful at least that the song was in a lower register, he approached Aizen's side of the table, singing to him as he approached.

_"You're sittin' down and wonderin' what it's all about_  
_You ain't got no money, they will put you out_  
_Why don't you do right, like some other men do?_  
_Get out of here and get me some money too"_

This sucks beyond reckoning, Ichigo thought to himself as he sat on Aizen's lap. Thankfully Gin cut the music. Unfortunately, Ichigo wasn't sure how to get himself off of Aizen's thighs since the man now was holding him around the waist. Ichigo put the mic down on the table and sighed again.

"Tired, my dear?" Aizen asked.

"Actually, yes," Ichigo said, snuggling up to Aizen's chest. Drugs, drugs in the tea, he thought to himself as he began to doze. Still, I dressed up by myself, there's no one to blame for that. I'm going to wind up chained to an imperial yacht like Princess Leia. Ichigo wondered if the golden bikini would honestly be worse than what he was currently wearing.

A small alarm sounded and Gin left, looking at some of his screens. Those idiots still fell into Szayel's trap, he thought, nodding his head to himself. Rukia was no longer on the lighted ledge, and Chad was bleeding in a heap on the ground. Oh well, at least Ichigo isn't awake to harass me about it.

"Let's get going. Why don't you free our little bunny?" Aizen told Gin, as he stopped nuzzling Ichigo's hair and lifted him up.

* * *

"I refuse to fight you in that outfit," Ulquiorra said, eyeballing Ichigo.

"Try Bankai!" Gin said over a loudspeaker.

"Bankai?" Ichigo thought about it then grinned. "BANKAI!" he yelled. As the sand began to settle, he realized that he was still wearing the outfit, just now wearing a long jacket over it. "Well...better...?" he asked Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra shrugged and then held out a hand, indicating his willingness to fight. He paused.

"Do you wish to remove the ears first?" Ulquiorra suggested.

"What...do you think Aizen did to him?" Nel asked Orihime, who was nodding in disbelief.

"I don't know, but he looks pretty cute with the tail!" Orihime said, finger in the air.

"I loved the ears better!" Nel argued.

* * *

"Wow Gin, that was amazing!" Yachiru said, giggling.

"This is two you've sat out," Gin mentioned. "You better get in gear for the next one!"

"Oh, I was there. I was with Kenny when he was fighting, but I managed to get a picture of Ichigo before he left with braidy-lady for the world of the living."

"Oooh, can I see?" Gin fell over laughing at the shredded outfit, now covered in blood and Ichigo's bankai cloak. The choker was still pristine however, pink bow firmly in place.

"Next let's do captains and lieutenants vs. captains!" Yachiru said. "I'm sure I can help with that!"

"Ok, first roll is: **Shuuhei Hisagi**. Second roll is...**me**!" Gin relayed with interest. "I'm not planning on kissing him for this game, just so that you know, Yachiru."

"Ya hafta if it's a three!" Yachiru rolled. "It's...1. **Friend**."

"Ok, I think I can do that."

"NO! I have to, because I've been bored the last couple times!" Yachiru cried.

* * *

_A/N: I wanted to do an Aizen/Ichigo scenario someone hadn't done before. I will be shocked if someone else came up with a Alice in Wonderland/Playboy Bunny/Jessica Rabbit Ichigo having tea with Aizen to keep his boredom at bay before the final push to battle._


End file.
